If only I could

I was sifting through my list of blogs that I read, there is one, and if I remembered how I would link you to it, but I can't find the bookmark of the livejournal page. Anyhow, the slave was talking about mentoring. But not in the sense of a Master mentoring a slave, but a slave mentoring another slave. I found that quite interesting and I'm looking forward to reading more as this person mentors another.

I started thinking about if I mentored someone, what could I possibly share or teach them that would help them in being a slave towards their future Master. I do know that while arlanna has been her, I've showed her how to fold Master's shirts, cause he likes them a certain way and then I have my own added way. She's been told that Master drinks his drinks out of a red cup and pepsi always goes in the red cup. She's been told what chores Aggi does, so she knows that I'm not responsible for those. But those things are just general stuff?

So my question is, what can be taught by one slave to another? Any thoughts?

Rich's kari

Queenie the Puppy

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So I haven't posted here in a long time, butterfly are you still interested in reading?

I'm going to put this on my daily to do list and post here.

Rich's kari

Sex, Love, & Babies

All my life, I thought that the following equation was true -

Sex = Love

If I had sex with someone, it meant that they loved me, since I so wanted to be loved, I sought out having sex with many different men. The other night I was talking to Master about one of nieces who might come live with us, being overly active, and I told him that at one time I was. I remember when I live in Missouri, having sex in the mental hospital with a guy that I liked and he liked me. The way they had the rooms separated was that men were on one side on the building and women on the other, how he got to my room without getting caught is a mystery to me. We even dated after we were both released. But alas, that's not the point.

The conversation with Master morphed into how could be judge someone who has sex with many people, when he and I swing. My defenses went up, because Master and I are in a committed relationship and choose to have multiple partners. We do it as safe as we can, yes I know that there is no 100% safe way. Master asked me what the difference was between him and I swinging and his niece having multiple sex partners? My answer was that he and I are both adults who know that swinging is something that we want in our lives. His niece Chelise is 20 and in my opinion she's using sex to fulfill some sort of deep need inside of her. I can relate, I've been there, but what do you say to a 20 year old, who is going to live her life the way she wants? When I was 20 it didn't matter what anyone said to me, I wasn't listening, I did what I wanted, when I wanted and that was that.

Going further she wants a baby. She had twins, but something happened right after they were born and they passed away. I've never had any of my own kids, so obviously never lost any, so I can't relate, but I think that she might think that if she has another baby that it will fill the void from losing her twins. So again, how do you help a 20 year old understand that sex and a baby can't fill some sort of need she's looking for, because I suspect that she is similar to me, in thinking that both of those are going to mean she's loved.

Whether she comes to live with us is up in the air, as she was supposed to talk with us yesterday, but we haven't heard from her. Master laid down the rules to her on the phone and I think that she wanted to come here live her life the way she wanted and that's not gonna happen here. Yes she is an adult, but if you are going to live under our roof, you play by our rules.

~*~

The other night I was watching the discovery channel and it was about three obese women having babies. Half way through the show I was in tears, so I went to talk to Master in his office and he asked me what was wrong. I want a baby, despite the fact that I know I can't have any. Master says that we can always do invetro, but if the baby is any part of me biologically we take the risk of her/him having a mental illness and I won't do that to a child. I have struggled way too much in my life because of my mental illness and I wouldn't want that for our child. Master and I decided before we got married that we weren't going to have any children. At the time Aggi was 12 and the thought of starting over with a newborn was scary and now the idea just doesn't make sense for us. We enjoy the little freedom we have with her being 16 and look forward to when she's out of the house. Don't get me wrong, she can stay with us as long as she wants and also to those that start over after their child is 18 or over, I mean no disrespect it's just not for us.

But, it doesn't take the ache away. I borrow my friends kids and that helps for a little bit. It's tough for me, because I know that by us not having of our own kids is the right thing for us, just doesn't stop those feelings. We have talked about foster care and maybe one day we will, but that aspect scares me, because we can get attached and then lose the child. Adoption is also another option, but in the end I don't think we will. I think that once Aggi is out of the house and on her own we will settle into the lifestyle that we want.

~*~

I wanted to talk about sex between Master and I will, but this post morphed into something totally different, so I will right about the sex later.

Rich's kari

Fetishes & Reflections

A couple weeks ago I was asked about my fetishes, so I thought I would do a post of them.

I'm a pain slut. I love when Master pushes me with pain, although I know that it's a struggle for him, as he has always said he loves me too much to hurt me. Putting pain aside for the moment I think one of weirdest fetishes is being tickled. I don't think you could find a spot on my body that wasn't ticklish. I would probably choose being tickled over being flogged or spanked any day. Yes, I am weird.

Nipple play. Oh my! I have very sensitive nipples, I can have an orgasm by just having them teased and it gives me the shivers thinking about it now. Yum! I love nipple clamps, close pins, chip clips, or whatever else. I want to try alligator clips, but in that aspect I'm a chicken shit, as they look scary.

We have a wonderful suede flogger that we bought shortly after we got married and it's a wonderful toy and I could get lost once Master starts using it on me. I'm a big fan of the single tail. I have a big fetish for thuddy toys, I'm not really a fan of the stingy ones. The thud of a cane just makes me all hot and bothered.

As I'm writing this I'm thinking of something that I was reading about on another friends journal.

~*~

Humiliation. I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy being humiliated, but why? That's what's eating at me. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't understand why I get off being humiliated. There have been many times when we have gone to the clubs, I have been given a quota of how many men I must pursue and going up to random men asking them to fuck me or if I can get them off is humiliating for me, but damn does it get my juices flowing. At the clubs, I hate walking around naked, as I don't particularly feel comfy in my naked self in public, but it's something Master has me do, that to me is a form of humiliation. I think the other reason why I enjoy the humiliation is because he enjoys it, which in the end that's all should matter, right?

Sadly in most cases that's not the way it works in my brain. I'm the type of person that thinks everything thing I feel there has to be a reason why I feel that way. As I think about humiliation more, I'm sure there will be more posts on it.

~*~

I was given the task to find a new flute for my schooling that starts on Monday. I found a lovely instrument, fell in love with it, and wanted it so bad. Master however felt that we should do some research and it really irritated me. He gave me a task, I did it, then it all changed. I learned or rather am still learning the lesson of just because I want something to be a certain doesn't mean that he will want the same thing. In our lives, me being his slave, I have to remember that it's to be done his way. For me it always comes back to blind obedience, just doing as told. I've never been wired that way, well I have been, but before Master I was used to living my life the way I wanted. It often bugs me that after 5 years of being Masters I still struggle with the just obeying. I know better than to argue, yet I often find myself arguing with him, only to have him say stop or wag his finger at me, then my brain remembers, it's to be done his way.

There are times that I compare myself to others, those that don't struggle with behaving, because they know better or their Master's won't tolerate it and I think to myself why can't I be like them? It seems that all my life I've been constantly comparing myself to others, but lately it's just in the area of me being a slave. I need to figure out a way to accept the type of slave I am and remind myself that Master likes me as the slave I am or he would make the changes, because trust me, he has made major changes in me since he collared me. I've been withdrawn the past few days because I feel like I'm letting him down in not being what other slaves are. Yes again I know that I need to stop comparing myself to others, but I can't, it's just me. I think about would he rather have a slave that does everything he says without question? Sadly, I don't think that will ever be me.

What I need to do is trust that Master is happy with me. I will keep working on that.

Rich's kari

Emotional Release

I knew that once it was just Master and I in the house, I would get my punishment. Master had to take a toddlers bed over to our friends house, so He had me get out the restraints, four spanking tools, and some bungee cords. I had asked Him last night when we talked about the punishment to restrain me, because it's been awhile and if my hands are free, I'm all over the bed. Telling me to stay still doesn't work, although I'm sure He could train me to stay still, I had an owner that did that, it was a hard lesson to learn, one that I have obviously unlearned. :)

He put the cuffs on me, hooked the bungee cords through the loops, and around one of the bed posts. He didn't start soft like He normally does, which was nice, well not really nice, but I didn't want Him to take it easy on me. I think about 6 whacks into it I was crying or rather sobbing. I really broke down, with each stroke came more tears. Master was very comforting by placing His hand in the middle of my back, letting me know that He was right there, still giving each stroke, but in His way letting me know that it was okay to fall to pieces. At the end I was a puddle, but not a nice-warm-gooey feeling puddle. I felt like so many emotions had come out of me. Every single day I go around pretending to be this strong, confident, happy, go lucky girl, but I'm not.

So the punishment is done. But something else happened tonight. After the punishment Master sat on the bed and talked to me or rather with me. I was able to open up to Him, sharing that I've been depressed, I'm feeling useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive. Master reassured me that He loves, wants, desires, and cherishes me. Trust me, I know all of that, but hearing it was good for me. I told Him that I wanted someone to be proud of me, He said that He has told me He is, but underneath it all, it wasn't about me wanting Him to be proud of me, it's about my father. Master plays the daddy role as well, so sometimes I pass my feelings towards my father onto Master, getting the lines all blurred, so it takes a complete meltdown for it all to be made right. Not sure if I explained that very well.

I also confessed that I hate the fact that I can't work, His response was that not all people were meant to work. So of course I brought up well then why do I keep going to school, His response was that perhaps my skills from going to school were going to be put to use in another way. He made sense. By the time I get my Bachelor's maybe I will be well enough to be off of disability and able to teach or something. Sadly, I know that the reality of me being off disability isn't going to happen, but perhaps I can teach private lessons or something. I wish I could say that in time my schitzoaffective disorder will go away, but umm no, not going to happen. The psychiatrist says that maybe I can go off some of my anti-depressants, but as long as I have hallucinations, I'll be on anti-pyschotics. And that's ok. I am who I am because of my mental disabilities, I accepted that a long long time ago. In breaking down today, I learned that I need to communicate more with Master and that I need to go see my therapist. Imagine that!

I'm feeling better now, more centered and secure in that I belong to Master. That I'm His, no matter how much I screw up, forget chores, snap at Him, and many other things. I really needed that from Him tonight, the reconnection. I can't promise that I'm going to be the perfect slave from today on out, but I can say that I am feeling closer to Master, that I'm going to put my best foot forward and be all that I can be for Him.

I love Him. I am proud to be owned by Him. I also need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to be super-slave, I can ask for help with chores and I NEED to lean on Master when I'm struggling.

Rich's kari

I'm a Crab!

Okay, so I took care of facebook, my exes mom and my ex friend can no longer be seen on my page. Go me! That should relieve some stress. I'm thinking positive.

I wanna talk about chores. I've been trying to catch up on them and it's semi working, as I have neglected them for so long, that there of course is so much extra to do. Last night I exploded, well not as bad as I have in the past. Our daughter Aggi has chores, some of her chores effect mine, if she didn't put the dishes away, then I can't wash anymore or reload the dishwasher. Yes I know some are probably thinking, well why does she have to help at all, you are the slave. Indeed I am, but Aggi has to help around the house. So last night, I had to remind her to take out the trash, then remind her to put bags back in the can, so I was irritated. I went to start the dishes and of course the dishwasher was full, so I started putting them away, she heard me and comes away from her computer and says, "Oh do you want me to do those?" I told her no, I was already doing them and I was tired of waiting on her to get my chores done.

I don't think she was very happy with me last night and I honestly don't care, she needed to be told she's been slacking and it's not acceptable. I'm sick of the teenage attitude that she has and yeah I know that she's gonna have to awhile longer. On the other side of things, I feel bad. I'm the parent that enforces the rules, makes sure she is doing the chores that need to be done, and just plain 'ole taking care of her, which is fine with me. But there are sometimes where I wish Master would step in and help me with it - ok wait. I'm not saying that He doesn't do His share of staying on top of her chores and such, but since I'm the stay-at-home slave, I do most of the child watching.

I believe our house can be run very smoothly if everyone does their share and we are slowly working on getting that back under control. I am hoping that by the time I start school, I'll have a system down for chores and such.

Well, I think I'm gonna go nap. I should have a punishment recap post later tonight.

Rich's kari

Let It Go

When it comes to friendships, I put myself in the worst friend category, but it's not because I'm a bad friend, it's because of my qualities or rather lack of qualities. I could write a list of all the "social" disabilities that I have, but what's the point, let's just say that when it comes to being social, I so suck at it. I screwed up a friendship awhile back, am SO glad it's OVER, but it's still awkward. I see the person on my facebook and I can't help but comment on her status. I drives me crazy, because my brain is screaming, "You stupid idiot, she screwed you over, don't give her the time of day." And I shouldn't. Another friend says "Take her off your friends list on facebook," which I could do, but then that would let her know that I'm no longer following her.

Oh wait, light bulb moment, facebook has a feature where I can hide her entries. Ha!! I'm so smart.

Not only do I have problems with friendships, I have problems with letting go of exes. Okay, no that's not the right wording, I have trouble of letting go of the stuff that happened between us. My daughter Aggi has a cousin who is an abusive relationship, it's been determined that she wants to leave her husband, just doesn't know quite how to do it, as he says all the things that make her think she won't stand a chance on her own. I've heard them all -

"You don't make enough money to support youself"
"I'll kill myself because I can't live without you"
"You need me"

Of course there are many more that I heard in my abusive relationship, but I can't think of them right now. I'm supposed to talk to this girl, she's actually almost 21. I'm scared. What if I say the wrong thing to her? I'm very strong in my beliefs when it comes to abusive relationships, because it's not easy to leave. I left my ex 5 times and every time I ended right back with him, because I wasn't ready. You have to be ready. You could move to Australia and if you aren't ready, you will be back with the guy in a matter of months. Being ready in my opinion is the key. My ex once told me something that I believe is very true.

"If you run away from your problems before resolving them, you will end up right back where you started."

That might not be true for everyone, but it is for me. I want this girl to be able to live a happy life, but I also want her to know that it's not easy to get up, leave someone who you love, are comfortable with, move several hundred miles, and start a new life. I did that 5 years ago and I know that if I had to go back and do it again, I would do the exact same things, but I know that I would be terrified.

~*~

The icon says - "All I know is that I tried, and I tried to make it alright."

In the case of my friendship with Andrea, who is the first person I talked about I did all I could to make it work and I have to find some way to let her go. I need to stop worrying and thinking about her. I need to stop wanting to hang out with her. I need to just let it all go, but how? Because while I know that we can NEVER be friends again, I can't let her go.

Same thing with my ex. Let me clarify that I have no contact with him at all. I do talk with his mom through facebook and that's probably why I still think of him.

~*~

Ya know, I am going to cut this short so that I can go fix some things on facebook, but a question first.

Anyone have suggestions how to get the thoughts of people out of your head?

Rich's kari

Punishment Points/Relearning To Be His

25 outstanding points which will be taken care of tomorrow (Friday).

15 to 20 new points added today will be taken care of on Saturday. More could be added if chores aren't taken care of tomorrow.

NOTE TO KARI - DO YOUR CHORES!!!


It's been awhile since He's been strict and I'm not quite use to it yet. When He tells me to do something, I want to argue, shrug it off, plain 'ole ignore it, or tell Him to do it Himself, but I know better. I know that when it's just Him and I in the house, He could choose to punish me anytime He wants. For the last few months, I've gotten away with not doing the laundry, dishes, keeping the house picked up, practicing my music, and making sure that anything He might need get done. I've just been floating in my own little world and last night when He and I were talking, He mentioned punishment that was going to happen today and that He was going to be strict again, my jaw hit the floor.

I've always said that I want Him to be strict, I need the rules, that being His is what I want, so then why does this scare me so much? I think it's because I know He's serious. He means business and for some reason, deep inside me I know not to cross Him this time. I have relearn being His. I have to reteach myself to do as told, no questions ask, to trust Him when He says jump. To not argue. That's a hard one for me, but I have to restrain myself.

Obviously, I haven't been the ideal slave, but I'm going to try and change that, because I know that this is what I want and that I made this commitment to Him 5 years ago and there is no option to be released, unless He seems fit to release me.

Hopefully He'll be patient with me, so hopefully if He gives me an inch, I won't take advantage and try to take a mile.

Rich's kari

Foggy

On Tuesday I went to the dentist, he smoothed out whatever was wrong, stichted me up, gave me an anti-botic, more pain pills, and sent me on my merry way. I got home and I was in tears, Master just held me for a little. He called the dentist to see if I could take more than one pain pill at a time, they said sure, so that knocked me out. Woke up, still in pain, so I went to instacare to see if they would take an x-ray as a friend suggested that it could be a hair line facture, something more than jus the tooth. The doctor said not likely, but I see you are in a lot of pain, then talked about putting me on a stronger anti-botic. Wednesday I was feeling better, slept most of the day, then started running a little bit of a fever. Took a pain pill and had some food that didn't have to be chewed. I told Aggi that I should try a Mac n Cheese smoothy. She said yuck! So did Master in fact.

It's now early Thursday and I am just now getting sleepy. I have so many posts in my head, just everything is a blur from the pain meds, so perhaps I'll sort it all out tomorrow.

Rich's kari

Nipple Irritation

Despite the pain of my tooth, I have been horny. I've been horny for the last few months in fact. But every time Master goes for my nipples I turn away, not because I'm not interested, but because having my nipples played with, touched, rubbed between His fingers makes me cringe in pain, perhaps it's not pain, but like annoyance, I'm not sure how to explain it. When he starts it, my mind goes back to times with an ex, it's like Master is doing the same tweaking and stuff that my ex did. How do I explain that to Master without Him thinking that He should just leave my nipples alone? It's to the point of if He plays with my nipples the way He has been, I well up with tears, heck just thinking about it I'm welling up with tears. Ugh! It's frustrating because I can't figure out what's going on with my nipples. They have always been sensitive, in fact too sensitive, so maybe that's why. Perhaps the sensitivity is causing irritation and annoyance in my brain.

Am I making any sense to anyone? If He puts clamps on them right away, when they come off, and He plays with my nipples I'm okay. I'm also not sure why I'm afraid to talk to Him about this. The only reason I can think of is that I don't know how to explain it so that He understands.

I'm really emotional today, I blame it on taking pain pills. I feel like I'm in a daze and just plain 'ole out of it. I'm headed back to the couch.

Rich's kari

Pain Tolerance

I have a high pain tolerance, except when it comes to teeth. About a month ago, I had a tooth pulled, it's been tender, but otherwise alright. Last week on Tuesday, it started hurting, there was a lump that felt like it had bone in it, so I went in on Thursday, it did, they took it out, and all was good. Or it was supposed to be good. He had me come back in on Friday to make sure it was smooth and he had gotten it all and he had. Then yesterday it started hurting again and guess what there is more bone. Ugh! So I called the after hours line, he's out of town till Monday, so I can't see him till Tuesday and I am in more pain than I have ever been, it is worse than my kidney stones.

So I'm living on pain killers right now and it pisses me off, because I have so much crap that needs to be done. My office needs to be put back together, hopefully that will happen soon.

Well, I'm headed back to the couch for a little bit.

Rich's kari

Sweet & Solid Love

Master and I talk a lot during the day on the cell phones. The Wednesday this is part of the conversation -

Kari - I miss you
Rich - I miss you too

Other than Him working, we aren't apart very much, but I do miss Him. I think that's the one thing that reminds me everyday that I'm so in love with Him. I think about Him constantly, when He's home I always want to be in the same room as Him, I just can't get enough of Him. Last night we both went to bed at the same time, which is completely a new thing for us and I just laid there watching Him breathe, just seeing how peaceful He is. I get all excited when I hear His ringtone on my cell phone. I love that He calls me just to tell me He loves me. I made the comment about Him calling me just to say I love you to my mom and she was like wow, "I wish your dad did that."

What makes this all funny to me, is that even after 5 years, I know that I love Him more than the day I married Him and I continue to fall in love with Him everyday. I asked Him the other day if He believed in soul mates, of course I already knew His answer, He's not sure, which makes since in my mind since He is searching for someone to join us in our poly relationship, I believe though that He is my soul mate, He is the one that I belong with and to. The road that we have traveled since I moved here as been a long road, but it has brought so many good things.

He makes me smile when I want to yell, throw something, curse, cry, or runaway. He comforts me when I need it. He gives me space, but stays somewhat close knowing that I might need Him quickly. There are times that I have a bad night, I'm so hesitant to wake Him up, but the times that I have instead of yelling at me, He's always helped me, heck He's done sleepless nights in order to help me through something. I love when we have tickle fights, when we argue about how the pictures seem uneven, but are measured to a T, how we chase each around the house playing catch me if you can, how we sit in the living room watching tv, and how we spend time with our wonderful daughter.

Our love isn't perfect. We fight, scream, say mean things, slam doors, and other things, but in the end we love each and despite the bad times we are in love and it's such an amazing feeling. I wish that I could describe the feeling, but I can't, it's just something that is inside me, giving me those warm and fuzzies.

I'm lucky to have found Him and I extra lucky that He kept me after finding out about all my deep rooted issues.

------------------------------------------

Okay, so this post wasn't supposed to be this gushing of emotions over Master, but hey, I started typing and it all came out. I do have another post I'm working on, so hopefully that one will get up today as well.

Rich's kari

SeaWorld Pictures

I loved going to SeaWorld, I would go again tomorrow if I could, it was just so awesome. Tia asked if she had missed the pictures, so I went through my entries and I never posted them, ooppss. I didn't post them all today, because there are a bazillion, so I'm sorting through the ones I think ya'll might want to see.

I thought that the dolphin was going to touch the flag, but it didn't happen. Maybe he was having a bad jumping day.




He was just relaxing on his back, enjoying his swim!




I thought it was so cool that he had the ball on his nose and even more cool that the picture turned out wonderfully.





And to end the pictures for today, here is one of my favorites, even though the quality sucks!

Rich's kari

Let's Play Pretend

Do you remember when you were a kid and you would play pretend? Maybe ya'll didn't, but I did. I would pretend I was a teacher, a doctor, a musician. My brother and I would find all kinds of pretend things to play, it kept us busy. I thought that at the age of 30, almost 31 that I would have stopped playing pretend, but I haven't.

I've been depressed lately. With my gaining weight, I don't feel attractive. I feel as if Master will replace me for some cute younger woman, I mean heck, I'm young, so He could find someone younger. Plus Master and I are women watchers. We have our own hand system for when we see a cute girl and want the other person to look, it's a pretty damn good system, but lately I'm so insecure, that every time He points out a girl, despite how yummy she looks, I just wanna cry. After talking with Brandy, I talked with Master and asked Him if He could stop looking for just awhile. I explained why and He reassured me that we have been together 5 years and He's not going to replace me. So, tonight we go to the store and I notice that He's not pointing women out, which is what I wanted, but now I feel bad, because that's something that He enjoys doing. He says not to feel bad that He's really ok with not pointing them out if it will help my self-esteem. Because of how I have been feeling about Master looking at others, I wanted to add my thoughts on swinging since a friend of mind helped me really focus on how I'm feeling about a lot of things.

Swinging. Now that’s a whole different ball game right now. Because my weight is going up and down, mostly up right now, I’m so insecure that if we went to a club for swinging, I would break down into a puddle of tears. If Rich even mentioned adding someone else to our relationship right now, I’d probably have to be admitted to the hospital, because I just can’t handle that right now. We haven’t down any swinging in quite some time. Rich does talk to some women about joining us, but it never works out, so no biggie there. I knew from day one with Rich that he wants more than one woman and I had to accept that and honestly there are times when I’m ok with it and then there are times when I’m not. Lately when we go out shopping or whatever, he looks at women, and on occasion, I like to, but lately when he’s showing me the cute ones, I just get irritated because I’m just feeling insecure and I think I need to tell him that, because until I started typing this, I wasn’t aware that I was feeling that way.

Looking at my depression, I have been depressed a lot lately. Partly because I have missed at least 4 days of my medications this week. My medications don't need to be adjusted, the cocktail I am on is fine, it would work even better if I managed to take the medication, so I will work harder on that. Being bi-polar sadly I have more downs that ups, which I wish was not true. I love the highs, I know ways to through myself into a high, which is tempting, but then I risk the chance of doing stupid things because that can happen when I'm manic. I think a lot of my depression has to do with the weather. I know a lot of people that get depressed in the winter because they can't go outside, well it's the opposite for me. When it's 112 or higher, I don't want to go outside, but sitting in the house is not helping my depression. I watch a lot of TV, so much so that I can recite some of the episodes of certain shows, like Bones, Charmed, NCIS, and a few others. I could watch the Disney channel, but I've seen a lot of those episodes too. Aggi would love to play board games, but I so hate monopoly, as I suck at the game. I think I need to color or scrapbook more. I'm in the process of decorating my office, which I am hoping will do me some good, as there is no color in here right now.

Another thing that has been on my mind is therapy. I need to go see my therapist, but there is one thing that stops me. She's Mormon. I don't feel comfortable talking to her about how my husband and I can't have intercourse and how deeply it hurts me that we can't connect that way. I can't share with her all the deep feelings, because she would look at me differently. It frustrates me, because when I go to therapy all I feel I can talk about is how I'm struggle with Aggi or how Rich and I argue over stupid stuff. I'm afraid that if I was to open up about the lifestyle part, the cops would end up getting called and Rich would be in trouble and we don't need that. I thought about looking for a therapist that isn't Mormon, but then that messes with my psychiatrist and I really don't feel like changing to another one. I'm tempted to talk to my psychiatrist next time I see him and ask him about changing to a therapist that perhaps isn't Mormon, only thing is I'm not sure that he isn't Mormon.

There are so many emotions locked inside me because I don't know who to express them to. If I express them to Master, then He worries about me more and I don't want that. I want Him to know that I can handle things on my own, but I guess sometimes I can't and instead of thinking that by talking to Him I'm being a burden I need to remind myself that He wants to help me, that He loves me so much, would do anything He could for me, so it's okay to talk to Him. When talking to Him earlier I did share how depressed I am, so He's been watching over me, asking me if I'm okay, if there is anything that He can get me or do for me. He's being really sweet, understanding, and loving and that's exactly what I need right now. I need Him to hold me close and remind me that I'm His forever and that He loves me no matter how fat I get.

On to other things, yesterday I did manage to make it out of the house and did bumper boating and that was a lot of fun. Tonight we went to Wally World, so that Aggi could buy Elizabeth a birthday present for her party on Sunday, then we went grocery shopping and ended up buying a lot of junk food.

I did get to look at the school supplies at Wally World and OMGolly, I was in heaven. For those who don't know I have an office supply fetish and school time is perfect for that fetish. I even get to get a new backpack this year!! I'm so freakin' excited, we are going to Staples tomorrow and I hope to find the perfect one.

Life is going to be okay, I know this, it's just gonna take me awhile to get back to being me. I will be me again soon, I know I will. I'm good at pretending I'm perfectly fine, but it's time to be real and deal with what's bothering me. Thank you Brandy so much, because your email was just the swift kick in the ass to get me going.

Rich's kari

Day 2

I didn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned, then was up several times during the night. I had a bad set of tremors and that definitely helped keep me up. At some point I ended up with cookies in the bed, about 5:30am, I woke up choking on a cookie, then I had to throw up. Ick! I have to figure out what I'm stressing about, because that's what causes me to sleep eat. The thing is, nothing is really wrong at this moment in time, but perhaps it's my brain thinking of all the stuff that is going on next week and the weeks to follow.

A few of my friends have said that summer has gone by too fast, but for me it hasn't gone fast enough. I want to be back in school, dealing with my own homework, running Aggi to all of her activities, making sure she stays up on her homework, keep up with the dishes and laundry. For me when I'm so busy, things go good for me, there is no down time where my mind can wonder into all the negative areas, I don't get hallucinations during the day, because there is no time, I'm so focused on everything else, but once night hits, the hallucinations come, BUT being that I'll be up early everyday, hopefully I'll be asleep with the hallucinations try to visit.

I took a break from writing to go get some food and now that I'm back I'm not sure what else to write, so I'll stop for tonight.

Today is day 2 of no caffeine. Yay me!

Rich's kari

Edge Play Talk

Master was talking to another submissive today, He let me read the conversation, I stumbled across the word or rather initials GS going along to say that He was looking for someone who was into that, so I asked Him what that meant. He said golden showers. I said I am in to that! He said, I know that we have done it twice, but wasn't sure that you were into it still. Hell yes I am! So there was a little bit of a communication gap, but I'm excited to venture into this area of play with Master.

Before Master went to bed, I asked Him for a topic to write on for tomorrow's entry, so He said golden showers and how I felt about them. I then asked if by golden showers did He mean drinking urine as well, He said possibly, to look into all aspects and write about what I felt concerning the topics.

I remember the first time He peed on me, it was at the other house in the huge bathtub. He had me kneel I turned my face away and He peed on my back. It was warm, the smell was different, it was nice. I think of golden showers as a way of Master marking me as His, I don't think of it as humiliation as some do. It's one of those acts that makes me feel all warm in fuzzy for. I know the first time that He did it, I did want to back out, as I mentioned in the entry Piss Play,but I hate to back out of things when it is something that I have particularly asked for, that just seems stupid to me.

When I think about Him peeing on my back, I try to think about how I would feel if He peed on my face and I can't quite put an emotion on that. I'm not sure that it's something that I can ask for, I think it would be something that I would just have to have done to me, because that's what He feels like doing to me. If He were to give me the option, the part of me that wants to do everything to please, would do it anyways, but then I would worry about the true reason of did I like it or not. If I'm forced to do something, I think my mindset goes into the space of "I hate this, because He's forcing me to do it." It loses it's appeal and I lose my open-mindedness or at least that's how I look at it.

Then I started thinking about drinking pee. That's a topic that I am totally unsure about. When my ex and I were together, he liked me to pee in his mouth and that was hard for me, because I wasn't sure how I felt about the aspect of people drinking other peoples pee. The last time he and I were together, He had me pee into ice cube trays, let them freeze, and then ate them like popsicles. Hmm, not sure I could do that and I don't see pee popsicles coming out on the market anytime soon. LOL. Heck, I have a hard time swallowing cum but that's different, because I hate for cum to even touch me, but I've already shown that I can handle and love being peed on. So maybe for some completely unknown reason to me, pee doesn't freak me out as much as cum. I know a few slaves that are required to drink their Masters pee, one I know isn't too thrilled about it and I think the other never cared for it either, so what exactly is the appeal of it? Maybe someone else on my friends list does it and can share that.

Can I see myself drinking Masters pee? Not anytime soon. Not until I do more research and talk to more people who have done or still do drink pee. Master isn't going to require something of me when we are both unsure about, as He has no desire to cause me any physical harm. I'm having a hard time finding other stuff, but will keep looking.

So the jury is still out for me on drinking pee, but all the other stuff regarding golden showers, I'm game for!

Rich's kari

Fed Up & Pity Party!

I am so fed up with people telling me what to do about my weight. Yes, I know I'm overweight. Yes, I know that a lot of my medical problems are because I am overweight. I went to the doctor today, I knew he was going to bring up my weight, saying well if you want to get off the medication that's causing you 5-8 bowel movements a day, then you should lose weight. Ya know what I wanted to say? "Screw you! I will lose the weight when I am damn good and ready to!" I'm tired of skinny people, my doctors, sitting there telling me oh you should try weight watchers, curves, the biggest loser diet. First off I don't have the money to do that and second off what if that doesn't work for me.

I know that I can lose the weight, I've done it before, so I just want people to shut up about it. I look in the mirror everyday, since I'm naked when I go to bed and wake up, I see my huge tummy, I can't deny that I'm fat, but I'm not ready. I'm not sure why I'm not ready, but I'm not. With all my blood work happening and talk of diabetes it makes me think of my grandmother. Her kids were constantly telling her she needed to eat at home more, not fast food. Every morning for breakfast my grandmother had an orange, cheetos, and coffee. She was diabetic, she knew that she needed to eat healthier, one day she told me something that I never forgot, in fact she told both my cousin Kris and I. "I am only gonna live once, I will eat whatever I want." She died young, yes I know that, but she lived a healthy live. I see people eating health bars and such. I tried the Special K bars and the ones I had tasted like wax, I couldn't eat it.

Master has given me the task of keeping a food journal and I will. Now some of you might say, well wait a minute, you said you don't want people to tell you what to do about your weight. Master is different, for a couple different reasons. I'm His slave, He owns me, He lives with me, so He knows me and my eating styles, so He knows the areas in which I need help. Sadly, I am like a kid, hence why I think of Master as my Daddy as well. I'm like a kid in the sense of I need to have rules and be accountable for things. The doctor can't be at my house when I want chips and say, "Kari don't eat those." Right now, I need someone to give me that push, even though I don't want it.

I've been thinking why I don't want to lose weight and I came up with my own answer. I tend to lose weight, slack off, then gain it back, plus some, so I figure why try again, it's just gonna come back. Yes that's stinkin' thinkin', but heck, I'm being dead honest about it. I don't want to live without soda. I love soda, chips, pizza, candy, fast food, and all that bad stuff, so when I think of losing weight, exercising, and being on a diet I think of having to give all that up.

I can't! No rather, I won't. Maybe I will be able to have those things once in awhile, I don't know, because I've never been successful at losing the weight and keeping it off. Those of you out there that diet and such, are you able to have junk food once in awhile? Are you able to eat out at a fast food restaurant. I love my taco bell and the thought of not being able to have that, just makes me go nuts.

I don't drink alcohol, I would love to, but it doesn't mix well with my meds, so I know that if I drink any, that I'm gonna have some bad reactions, so why can't my head think the same thing about food? Is my brain wired wrong? Am I destined to be fat the rest of my life?

If you haven't noticed yes, I'm having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. But this is my journal and I will whine if I want to. I know that I might get some responses of yes you can do this and that's not why I'm writing this entry, I do know that deep down I can do this, I just want to know that others have traveled down this same path and have succeeded. I want to know that it is possible to keep weight off without having to have surgery, not that I think bad of anyone who has surgery, cause my mom-in-law did, but it's not for me. I want to know that I'm not alone in this, that yes I do have other friends that are plump and struggle with the same thing.

Thanks ya'll for reading about my pity party, it will pass, probable by tomorrow, just been a long ass terrible day.

Rich's kari

Words Hurt

Today was a rough day. Yesterday morning Master had to go get His toes looked at and ended up having some in the office procedure. While we were waiting, Andrea's best friend Jenna came in. She immediatly went into the bathroom, called Andrea, and proceeded to talk to her while in the waiting room. When Master was taken to the back room, we talked about how I wanted to say hi, but that it wasn't appropriate, especially in a public place. Later in the evening at dinner I was talking to Ky and told her about seeing Jenna, not once did I say anything bad about Jenna. The whole time Andrea and I were friends, when Jenna was bad mouthed my response majority of the time was that Jenna had good intentions in everything she did, she might not have gone about it the ideal way, but she still had good intentions.

So, last night Aggi and I went to the store to buy some dishwasher detergent and while we were there, we saw a friend of mine named Daniel. He's involved with another friend name Ginger and in the middle of it all is a 3 year old boy that has never met his father. There are things that the mother has told me that would work against her and help the father with getting some sort of visitation and I was tempted to tell him, but I kept my mouth shut.

I got home, was on facebook, updating my status, I put something to the effect that I had saw someone not to long ago from my past and wanted to tell them everything that I knew, but that some things were better left unsaid. So, I wake up this afternoon and I'm blasted on facebook by Andrea with some not so nice words, that I'm choosing to keep private.

I immediately broke down into tears, it freakin' had nothing to do with her. I went into the living room crying and Aggi came over to comfort me. I called Andrea, she didn't answer her phone, but I left a message explaining who and what I meant on facebook. I also sent her a text message. She eventually came online and talked with me, saying that she found it odd that I would post that about someone other than Jenna since I had just seen Jenna that morning.

I hate when people assume! All she had to do was write, call, or text me and ask who I was talking about. She apologized for blasting me on facebook, but still people read it before I had a chance to delete it. After talking with her a few days ago, I thought that we had reached at least a little bit of resolution, but I guess I was wrong. No matter how many times she apologizes, it doesn't take away from what she said. I'm the type of person that I don't say things that I don't mean and I don't believe that people say things that they don't mean, but I'm probably wrong about that.

Part of me wants to delete my account on facebook and myspace, because it's all drama and I hate that. The thing is, I keep in contact with a lot of friends from high school on there and I don't want to lose that, so I'll probably keep the accounts. Master says I just need to remove Andrea from my friends list, but then that would show her that I want nothing to do with her, right now I feel that way, but how am I going to feel tomorrow? All of this gives me a freakin' headache!

We leave for Sea World on Saturday and I am so excited. Heck, I'm ready to go now. I was hoping that I knew someone from here or a former school mate, so I could meet someone, but I don't think that's gonna happen, which is okay. I'm ready for fireworks as well and maybe I'll get a little smoochy-smoochy from Master, as we will have Aggi with us, so there will be no hanky-panky.

I took an anxiety pill earlier this afternoon, then a nap, and I'm feeling in such better spirits now. I'm starting to get a grip on my emotions controlling me and while I wanted to cut today, I didn't, so yay me! I'm making progress, slow, but steady.

Until later....

May I Have Another Please?

I want to talk about punishment, but first in talking about punishment the first question that comes up in my mind is what kind of punishment system are you on, if one at all?

We have tried many things. I have a list of rules and they are the things that are required of me, however they haven't been updated in quite some time, because heck, I don't have the time to update them. I'll make a mental note to do that sometime soon. In the beginning, if a specific rule, it had a specific punishment. If I was up past my bedtime, the next night, I was in bed 30 minutes earlier. I wasn't allowed to few certain people's profiles and/or blogs, if I did I would lose internet privileges. But I slacked off, then Master slacked off, so we re-grouped. When we re-grouped, which is just recently, He set up a point system. For things I don't do, there is a certain number of points that I earn. Each point given means I get one swat with the belt. That works pretty good. It's my responsibility to keep track of the points as He gives them out.

Do you have a point system or way to keep track of things you are to be punished for?

Now on to the punishments.

I was reading a blog a couple days ago and it was about being punished, by having to be banished to the kitchen, with no contact with anyone. The post went on to talk about different types of punishment, the main one being no contact. There are times when I am smarting off to Master and I wish He would send me to my room without any contact because then perhaps I would calm down and then further punishment could be avoided. So being sent to my room or a corner with no speaking, would be a good preventive measure. But for Him to withhold talking or interacting with me as a punishment would probably hurt me more than it would help me. My brain would go into the oh my gosh, He wants nothing to do with me, therefore, I need to find another place to stay, I need to strike at Him with words, to hurt Him so bad, because what's the point in being respectful when He already doesn't want me. That's what would go through my head if He punished me with no contact.

I have been thinking of other punishments. Spankings. Now, some would say that for a pain slut, which is me, a spanking isn't going to work, because I like spankings and I like pain. But ya know, I have to disagree with that one. If I'm going to get a spanking as a punishment, it's only with the belt. My mindset goes to a whole different place when I know that He is using that belt for a punishment. It is no longer arousing for Him to spank me. The blow of the belt lets me know that He's not playing around and there is just a switch in me that knows I'm in trouble. There is a big difference from when we are in play mode to punishment mode. I think that there are maybe a time or two that I have had to red out during play, but I swear when He is giving me a punishment I want to red out immediately, because it hurts that bad. So for me, spanking is an effective punishment.

Writing sentences. That worked when I was in a long distance relationship. My Master at the time would give me so many sentences to write, then I had to mail them to Him, if I didn't in the time allotted then He would add more. For me that was effective at the time. It has never worked with Master Rich and I really can't explain why, perhaps it's because I don't think He expects me to actually do it, so He uses other punishments.

Corner time. That works like a charm for me. It gives me a chance to remove myself from whatever is going on and recenter myself. I close my eyes and remind myself what I was doing wrong and that I need to calm down before I really explode and need up getting my butt spanked.

The same Master that started the sentences also had me use clothespins on my tongue when I talked back. I lived about an hour away from work, so one day He had me where an old t-shirt and a clothespin for 30 minutes. Let me tell you, that was awful. I was drooling all over myself, humiliated, thinking someone in another car would see me and it did work. I made sure that I was more careful with my tongue when speaking to Him. He used this punishment frequently, because I did backtalk quite a bit, heck I still do. He also used soap. Not very often because it messes with your tummy, but the few times that He did have me do that, worked as well. He kept telling me that He knew I liked the soap, that's why I kept up with the backtalk, but let me assure you it wasn't that I like the soap, it was that I just backtalk.

Do you have a particular punishment that your Master uses most as that might be the most effective way to correct your behavior?

I'm excited to see others responses.

Rich's kari

Fears

I've been dealing with a lot of mood swings lately. A couple days ago I was happy as can be and yesterday I was laying on the bed in tears. Master was laying next to me trying to help me figure out what was wrong, I told Him that I was just depressed, but after thinking about it, I think I figured it out or at least some of it.

Obviously part of it was about the doctors appointment I had yesterday. Even though I have heard all the speeches a bazillion times, there is fear that yes I could become diabetic. I watched my Grams die from it. I watch Master deal with it everyday, having to make sure His feet are getting good circulation and all the other stuff. It's scary to think that I could be that way soon, as the doctor said probably in 5 years. 5 years might seem like a long time, but boy does it go by fast.

There is more fear though.

I wanted so much to be able to work doing phone sex, I pushed really hard to get hired, and was so excited about it. Then I got hired, took one call, failed, and now I'm scared to sign back on. But it's not just signing on that scares me. I have a 16 year old in the house, it's not easy to take call without the fear that she will wake up and discover what I'm doing. So, the whole I sit in the office logged in, I listen for her or any noise for that matter and the one time the phone rang, I panicked for several reasons. One, it was my first call, and two, what if I was too loud and she heard? So now I am ready to sign back on, in fact I did while she was gone, because there was no risk of her figuring anything out, but now that she's back from her trip, the whole fear comes back.

Another fear is creative memories. I'm a consultant, have been for 4 years. I love it. I get to scrapbook and help others perserve their memories, plus I get to interact with people and that's a very good thing for me. But the fear is what happens when I start school. I'm gonna busier than heck and I'm supposed to factor creative memories in. Where is it going to fit? Am I going to be able to keep doing events? Can we keep affording to pour money into this when I'm not making any money in return? And if I have to, how do I walk away from something that I really enjoy doing and that is good for me?

The next fear is school. Everyone who has read me for any length of time knows that I struggle in school because of my learning disability. I'm a little more confident because I did earn my Associates Degree, that was a huge step for me. But now I'm moving on to a music major that is going to occupy probably more time than I have. I have to take private lessons and that scares the shit out of me. What if the instructor says that I suck or that I will never be good enough again to be a music major? Then what do I do? I wanna teach music more than anything I have ever wanted to do for a career, but I can't help but think of what happens if that is no longer and option. The last time we were in Colorado, I brought home all of the music that I had from the time I started playing till the time I stopped and as I was looking through it all, I discovered that I was really good when I got out of high school. Looking through the music gave me the feeling that yes at one time I could do it, so could I do it again? The possibility is there, I know it is. It's just going to take a lot of work and that's scary, because the first time I went to college I was a music major, but I changed my major because I felt that I wasn't dedicated enough to music that I could practice as much as I needed to. Now I'm in the same boat. I should be practicing every day, do I though? Nope, I sure don't.

Now we can move onto the fear of money. Master tells me not to worry that He will take care of everything and we will be fine, but how can I not worry? I wish Him giving me an order to not stress would work, but alas it doesn't. I thought that doing the phone sex job would bring money in, but since it's hard to sign on for multiple reasons, I'm not making any money. At this point there is no point in finding a job outside the house because school will be starting soon, so I would have to quit and that wouldn't be good for my resume. I'll also have Aggi to worry about once school starts, as she's going to be active in school plays and choir groups, and since she can't drive, I get to play taxi. I don't really mind, because I want her to have the best high school experience that she can, but I do wish she could drive.

Driving. The car might not pass inspection in August. Ugh! That could create a bunch of problems. My parents called me a few days ago, said they were going to buy a new car and they would give us the one the have now, if we wanted it. Hell yes we want it. I asked how much they wanted for it and they said nothing, it would be a birthday and Christmas present, probably for the rest of my life and that's ok. Them giving us their car will help us so much, because we won't have to worry about what needs to be done to get the other car through inspection. Now it's just a matter of time in waiting to see when they are going to go buy their new car. My dad keeps changing his mind on when they are going to go get it, but I think it will be this weekend. We shall see though.

Vacation. One would think vacation is something that I would be looking forward to and I am, but I'm stressing about money to pay for the trip, what to pack, what we will do all the days we are gone, will we have a good time, will Master and I fight like we do sometimes on a trip, will Aggi drive Master and I absolutely crazy? See how my mind can go crazy with over analyzing things at times? It drives me crazy! Once we leave town, I will relax and get into the vacation mode. I'm excited to go to Seaworld and see all the water creatures. I love water creatures, I wish I could go swimming with them. At one point in my life I wanted to be a marine biologist so that I could go swimming with them, but that didn't happen and now I don't want to go through all the science and math classes, as both of those subjects give me a headache!

Wow! I feel lots better now that I have gotten a lot of my fears out of my system. Journaling has showed me that it's very therapeutic for me and the reason Master has me journal every day is supposed to help me and here I sometimes avoid journalling. Silly girl I am!!

Rich's kari

Play Ball!

Tonight Master and I went to a baseball team. It was a tie in the last inning, so it went into overtime, we needed three scores to win, two people on bases, and the batter it a home run! Score!! We won! It was the first Roadrunner game that I have been to. We had wonderful box section seats, the air was nice, it's not too hot here yet, and I got to spend it with Master.

It was the perfect date night. The fun thing about this week, is it's like a date week since Aggi is in Texas.

I saw my doctor today and I have gained three pounds in a month. Ugh! Along with some other reasons, he took me off of my newest med, thank goodness! I was telling him that today I feel like I'm shifting into a manic mode, he said the new med wouldn't cause that, I told him I know, I can just feel my body shifting, he told me that I seem to know my moods pretty well. I was telling Master that I should know when I'm shifting because I've been dealing with this mood disorder for 11 years. I can't lie and say that I'm not happy about the possibility of becoming manic, because hell, it would be a welcome change around here. I'm pretty good at preventing myself from getting too high in the sky!

I hung up some pictures and knick knacks around the house today. We have been in this house for almost a year, more than likely aren't moving this year, so I thought it was time to really settle into the house and make it our own. I also have done some scrap booking last night and today, it is so therapeutic.

Tomorrow Master and I are hanging out with a friend of ours and her two boys. We will be meeting her boys for the first time, I'm excited. We are going to go swimming and then back here for a bar-b-que. While the house needs to be picked up, I'm not too stressed about it being spic-n-span, because she's seen the house at it's worst or close to it.

Well, I need to go get some stuff done and try to get some sleep.

Rich's kari

I more or less fell off the face of the earth. I have a lot of blogs to repost here and I will soon, but I don't want to overload my friends page, but I will be updating this soon.

Rich's kari

Take It Seriously

I learned tonight why people put up walls when it comes to relationships. Things might fall through with Kat. Am I shocked? Kinda. After we got back from our weekend she informed Master that she's in contact with another Dominant in Vegas and can't decide whether she wants poly or a situation where she's the Dom's only girl. It pisses me off that she didn't tell us before hand that she was talking with others. I'm the type of person that when we start talking with people, I drop my guard and let people in, then shit like this happens. She's supposed to come up here in a few weeks, but I think she's going to cancel, as she says things are moving too fast. She said tonight that she can't move, well heck, we have only met once, been talking less than a month, so said anything about moving? And if someone did move, who said it had to be her? Uh, no one. Master and I can't move for another two years, so heck, we are in no hurry, we sure as heck don't expect someone to just drop everything and move. Especially since she lives in Vegas. That's not that far from us, it's a little easier to visit, since she's not in New York or some far off place.

Master thinks that she scared of how she is already feeling things for us. I think it's because she doesn't know what the heck she wants. I asked her tonight if when we are down there is a few weeks to drop Aggi off at the airport if we could meet up again and it was we can talk about it. Heck tonight I wanted to talk to her, she hopped on IM, I asked if we could talk on the phone and it was no, IM is fine. Then when I asked what was wrong with the phone, her minutes are low, then it changed to I'm on the phone all day at work. Well heck, she's on the computer all day at her job too, but still she's online. We finally started talking about stuff, like getting to know her, I was asking her questions, she answered didn't even ask what my response was to the same questions and said she had none of her own to ask. Hmm. Does she really want to get to know us or perhaps it's just me.

It's hard for me to say that I'm gonna keep putting myself out there, because I'm the one that's gonna get hurt and I just don't want to go through that. I don't need the heartache right now. I've got enough stuff going on. Perhaps it is that she's just scared and things will work out, but sadly I'm not as hopeful as I was on Sunday.

But what do I do? Is it me?

I always go into this maybe it's just me, because I have so many personality issues. Most of them I'm pretty good at controlling, but there are still a few habits I have that just come naturally and perhaps it might scare people off. I sometimes think that Master would be better off with another slave that didn't have problems, then He'd have a better chance at adding a 3rd. I know that Master loves me the way I am. I know that He wouldn't trade me for the world, but there are those brief moments where I think what if I wasn't His? Would He be happier? Yes, deep down I know that if something was wrong with me Master would fix me, but still I'm allowed to have my insecure thoughts, heck I wouldn't be the Kari He loves and cares about if I didn't have my little quirks.

I have to wait patiently to see what Kat decides, yeah I know I have no patience, but I don't have a choice. I also have to realize or rather convince my brain that it's not me that she has past issues that cause her to be overly cautious and that at this point she doesn't know what she wants. It sucks that she picked us to decide whether she really wants poly or not.

On to other updates. My head is quiet. Too quiet if you ask me. One side effect is the possibility to dream more, well let me tell you, I have had some vivid dreams the past two nights and I have remembered them. I never remember my dreams and yeah it probably has nothing to do with the meds, but my brain thinks it does. :) I'm not groggy like I was yesterday. My head is clearer and I'm actually able to sleep which is a good thing. In fact, I should go take my meds and go to bed.

More tomorrow or rather later today.

Rich's kari

Still Alive

I wanted to do a post that says I'm still alive and kicking, just haven't been in the right frame of mind to post, but I will post as soon as my mind comes back.

Kari

Went with Master to the body shop today in order to get an estimate for the car to be fixed. Just by looking at the outside damage we are looking at about $3000, but once they tear it down they will find more damage, so the price goes up. Where the hell are we going to get that kind of money to fix the car? My parents mentioned helping, but I'm not comfortable them helping me that much, when the car probably isn't even worth that. Master is stressed and rightly so. I'm trying my best to keep myself in a good space so that I can help Him through this difficult time, but it's tough. *sigh*

Went to the doctor today. He said that I seem to be on the right dosage when life is fine, but when I get stressed my mind goes wild, so he's giving me something to take for two weeks that should help level me out. He also said that on occasion when life is stressful we will probably have to add the extra medication. Which is fine with me as long as it doesn't make me a zombie and it helps me function better.

I'm job hunting. We need the money and as much as we aren't sure I'm ready to work, something has to be done. I'm looking for things to do online, but nothing yet. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Rich's kari

PS - I love You Master, we will get through this as long as we are together.

I wish I may, I wish I might...

I wish I could say that voices and visions have gone away, but damn it I'm not that lucky! Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist tomorrow at 10am. It's a good thing I called, because he's going out of town for the rest of the week, so they are squeezing me in. That's good! Master asked me tonight what I'm seeing. *sigh* I hate telling people what I see because I think I know what they are thinking. I believe they are thinking well she's a nut job. So when Master asked me tonight, I accused Him of not believing me, why else would He question me? Obviously, my paranoia kicked in. He calmly told me that He knew that sometimes depending on the time of year, month, day, or situation I might see different things, so He was trying to help me figure out what was going on. I immediately apologized because I know now that He did believe me, my brain didn't though.

I'm hearing things that aren't there. I'll hear a female voice saying my name, then I turn and there is no one there. I hear my grandparents voices and the two that I am hearing died several years ago. I see something move out of the corner of my eye, then I turn to look, and nothing is there. I feel like people are watching me and that people are listening to my thoughts. To me it's like I'm thinking out loud, so people are starting at me.

Tomorrow though, I see the doctor.

Aggi hit a building today while she was driving. She and Master went to her work so she could talk to her boss about more hours. She went to park, hit the gas and ran into a building. She broke a glass window and killed the bush. The car was hurt more than anything else, it needs a new hood, grill, and bumper. We didn't get on her case, cause accidents happen and we figure at least she didn't hit a person or another car. Our car obviously needs some repairs, but we will get those done, just gonna take time. Hard to pay for it, when money is extra tight. Ugh!

I'm trying to keep my stress level down because I know that causes my anxiety and hallucinations to be worse, but trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

I need to go find myself a snack, cause I'm hungry. More tomorrow.

Rich's kari

Her name is Kat

Yesterday we met Sweetie. I now have permission to use her name and it's Kat. She is such a sweetie! We met at a bar pub type of place had a nice meal and talked. I went to the restroom and the restaurant had a vending machine with cigarettes in it! OMG! You can by them in a vending machine. I have never seen that before. At lunch we mostly talked about vanilla stuff, still trying to get comfortable with each other. After lunch, we went to a outlet mall, as Kat wanted to buy some shoes. I love shopping! I've been to the mall before, but never walked the whole thing. Kat wanted to find a couple pairs of shoes, but only ended up finding one pair. They were nice shoes. I found some funky shoes, but dang they are a lot of money! I'm more of a Wally World girl when it comes to shoes and clothes.

We passed this little vendor that had glass pendants and I totally fell in love with them, but Master wouldn't let me by it the first time we walked by. So, we went through the rest of the mall. Stopped at Hot Topic, which was nice so that I could look at nipple jewelry cause I wanna get them redone. On the way back, Master let me by a pendant and He even let me by one for Kat. We have matching ones, I love it! She wasn't going to let me buy it, but I snagged it from her hand when she told me which one she liked.

We stopped at the food court, got drinks, and found a place to sit and talk. We had a really nice discussion about the lifestyle, what she is looking for and what we are looking for. I asked her if she was bi-sexual and she said that she's more into the affectionate part with a female, which is exactly like me. I do like tease of the nipples and such, but once it gets below there, I would just prefer a guy. :) It's nice that she and I are on the same page, because I always feel awkward in that type of situation. I'm not a dominant so it's hard for me to make a move on a woman, plus I don't know where to touch or how to touch, so I'd rather not.

I went to the restroom and when I came back Master was holding her hand. That was tough at first, because He hasn't been that way with anyone in quite some time. I would have been happy if He would have held my hand as well, but it was too public and I didn't think that would look right. Before we left the mall He put His arm around her and she asked Him if it would bother me. Later He told me she asked that. I'm glad that she thought about me when He went to do that. I know that she's not wanting to take my place. I know that He's not trying to replace me and as much as I want a sister, it was hard to see Him that way with another. I know that in time it will get easier.

I really like her. I think that had she been able to she would have come home with us to visit some more. She is planning a trip up her soon and then we are planning a trip down to see her again. We talked about how fast we want to take this and we decided to take it nice and slow. Her lease is up in November so maybe by then, something more concrete might happen between us. I do wish that she was closer to us so that we could hang out, watch a movie, and just get to know each other better.

I have another post that I want to write, so I'll end this now and try to write another post.

Rich's kari

I am hoping that this becomes a safe haven that I can blog about everything just like livejournal. I love that I have readers in both places, so will try my best to keep up on posting here.

Thank you for reading me.

Kari Renee

I figured out a way to hide, go me! So, here will be my new blog.

Kari