Sex, Love, & Babies

All my life, I thought that the following equation was true -

Sex = Love

If I had sex with someone, it meant that they loved me, since I so wanted to be loved, I sought out having sex with many different men. The other night I was talking to Master about one of nieces who might come live with us, being overly active, and I told him that at one time I was. I remember when I live in Missouri, having sex in the mental hospital with a guy that I liked and he liked me. The way they had the rooms separated was that men were on one side on the building and women on the other, how he got to my room without getting caught is a mystery to me. We even dated after we were both released. But alas, that's not the point.

The conversation with Master morphed into how could be judge someone who has sex with many people, when he and I swing. My defenses went up, because Master and I are in a committed relationship and choose to have multiple partners. We do it as safe as we can, yes I know that there is no 100% safe way. Master asked me what the difference was between him and I swinging and his niece having multiple sex partners? My answer was that he and I are both adults who know that swinging is something that we want in our lives. His niece Chelise is 20 and in my opinion she's using sex to fulfill some sort of deep need inside of her. I can relate, I've been there, but what do you say to a 20 year old, who is going to live her life the way she wants? When I was 20 it didn't matter what anyone said to me, I wasn't listening, I did what I wanted, when I wanted and that was that.

Going further she wants a baby. She had twins, but something happened right after they were born and they passed away. I've never had any of my own kids, so obviously never lost any, so I can't relate, but I think that she might think that if she has another baby that it will fill the void from losing her twins. So again, how do you help a 20 year old understand that sex and a baby can't fill some sort of need she's looking for, because I suspect that she is similar to me, in thinking that both of those are going to mean she's loved.

Whether she comes to live with us is up in the air, as she was supposed to talk with us yesterday, but we haven't heard from her. Master laid down the rules to her on the phone and I think that she wanted to come here live her life the way she wanted and that's not gonna happen here. Yes she is an adult, but if you are going to live under our roof, you play by our rules.

~*~

The other night I was watching the discovery channel and it was about three obese women having babies. Half way through the show I was in tears, so I went to talk to Master in his office and he asked me what was wrong. I want a baby, despite the fact that I know I can't have any. Master says that we can always do invetro, but if the baby is any part of me biologically we take the risk of her/him having a mental illness and I won't do that to a child. I have struggled way too much in my life because of my mental illness and I wouldn't want that for our child. Master and I decided before we got married that we weren't going to have any children. At the time Aggi was 12 and the thought of starting over with a newborn was scary and now the idea just doesn't make sense for us. We enjoy the little freedom we have with her being 16 and look forward to when she's out of the house. Don't get me wrong, she can stay with us as long as she wants and also to those that start over after their child is 18 or over, I mean no disrespect it's just not for us.

But, it doesn't take the ache away. I borrow my friends kids and that helps for a little bit. It's tough for me, because I know that by us not having of our own kids is the right thing for us, just doesn't stop those feelings. We have talked about foster care and maybe one day we will, but that aspect scares me, because we can get attached and then lose the child. Adoption is also another option, but in the end I don't think we will. I think that once Aggi is out of the house and on her own we will settle into the lifestyle that we want.

~*~

I wanted to talk about sex between Master and I will, but this post morphed into something totally different, so I will right about the sex later.

Rich's kari