Emotional Release

I knew that once it was just Master and I in the house, I would get my punishment. Master had to take a toddlers bed over to our friends house, so He had me get out the restraints, four spanking tools, and some bungee cords. I had asked Him last night when we talked about the punishment to restrain me, because it's been awhile and if my hands are free, I'm all over the bed. Telling me to stay still doesn't work, although I'm sure He could train me to stay still, I had an owner that did that, it was a hard lesson to learn, one that I have obviously unlearned. :)

He put the cuffs on me, hooked the bungee cords through the loops, and around one of the bed posts. He didn't start soft like He normally does, which was nice, well not really nice, but I didn't want Him to take it easy on me. I think about 6 whacks into it I was crying or rather sobbing. I really broke down, with each stroke came more tears. Master was very comforting by placing His hand in the middle of my back, letting me know that He was right there, still giving each stroke, but in His way letting me know that it was okay to fall to pieces. At the end I was a puddle, but not a nice-warm-gooey feeling puddle. I felt like so many emotions had come out of me. Every single day I go around pretending to be this strong, confident, happy, go lucky girl, but I'm not.

So the punishment is done. But something else happened tonight. After the punishment Master sat on the bed and talked to me or rather with me. I was able to open up to Him, sharing that I've been depressed, I'm feeling useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive. Master reassured me that He loves, wants, desires, and cherishes me. Trust me, I know all of that, but hearing it was good for me. I told Him that I wanted someone to be proud of me, He said that He has told me He is, but underneath it all, it wasn't about me wanting Him to be proud of me, it's about my father. Master plays the daddy role as well, so sometimes I pass my feelings towards my father onto Master, getting the lines all blurred, so it takes a complete meltdown for it all to be made right. Not sure if I explained that very well.

I also confessed that I hate the fact that I can't work, His response was that not all people were meant to work. So of course I brought up well then why do I keep going to school, His response was that perhaps my skills from going to school were going to be put to use in another way. He made sense. By the time I get my Bachelor's maybe I will be well enough to be off of disability and able to teach or something. Sadly, I know that the reality of me being off disability isn't going to happen, but perhaps I can teach private lessons or something. I wish I could say that in time my schitzoaffective disorder will go away, but umm no, not going to happen. The psychiatrist says that maybe I can go off some of my anti-depressants, but as long as I have hallucinations, I'll be on anti-pyschotics. And that's ok. I am who I am because of my mental disabilities, I accepted that a long long time ago. In breaking down today, I learned that I need to communicate more with Master and that I need to go see my therapist. Imagine that!

I'm feeling better now, more centered and secure in that I belong to Master. That I'm His, no matter how much I screw up, forget chores, snap at Him, and many other things. I really needed that from Him tonight, the reconnection. I can't promise that I'm going to be the perfect slave from today on out, but I can say that I am feeling closer to Master, that I'm going to put my best foot forward and be all that I can be for Him.

I love Him. I am proud to be owned by Him. I also need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to be super-slave, I can ask for help with chores and I NEED to lean on Master when I'm struggling.

Rich's kari