Take It Seriously

I learned tonight why people put up walls when it comes to relationships. Things might fall through with Kat. Am I shocked? Kinda. After we got back from our weekend she informed Master that she's in contact with another Dominant in Vegas and can't decide whether she wants poly or a situation where she's the Dom's only girl. It pisses me off that she didn't tell us before hand that she was talking with others. I'm the type of person that when we start talking with people, I drop my guard and let people in, then shit like this happens. She's supposed to come up here in a few weeks, but I think she's going to cancel, as she says things are moving too fast. She said tonight that she can't move, well heck, we have only met once, been talking less than a month, so said anything about moving? And if someone did move, who said it had to be her? Uh, no one. Master and I can't move for another two years, so heck, we are in no hurry, we sure as heck don't expect someone to just drop everything and move. Especially since she lives in Vegas. That's not that far from us, it's a little easier to visit, since she's not in New York or some far off place.

Master thinks that she scared of how she is already feeling things for us. I think it's because she doesn't know what the heck she wants. I asked her tonight if when we are down there is a few weeks to drop Aggi off at the airport if we could meet up again and it was we can talk about it. Heck tonight I wanted to talk to her, she hopped on IM, I asked if we could talk on the phone and it was no, IM is fine. Then when I asked what was wrong with the phone, her minutes are low, then it changed to I'm on the phone all day at work. Well heck, she's on the computer all day at her job too, but still she's online. We finally started talking about stuff, like getting to know her, I was asking her questions, she answered didn't even ask what my response was to the same questions and said she had none of her own to ask. Hmm. Does she really want to get to know us or perhaps it's just me.

It's hard for me to say that I'm gonna keep putting myself out there, because I'm the one that's gonna get hurt and I just don't want to go through that. I don't need the heartache right now. I've got enough stuff going on. Perhaps it is that she's just scared and things will work out, but sadly I'm not as hopeful as I was on Sunday.

But what do I do? Is it me?

I always go into this maybe it's just me, because I have so many personality issues. Most of them I'm pretty good at controlling, but there are still a few habits I have that just come naturally and perhaps it might scare people off. I sometimes think that Master would be better off with another slave that didn't have problems, then He'd have a better chance at adding a 3rd. I know that Master loves me the way I am. I know that He wouldn't trade me for the world, but there are those brief moments where I think what if I wasn't His? Would He be happier? Yes, deep down I know that if something was wrong with me Master would fix me, but still I'm allowed to have my insecure thoughts, heck I wouldn't be the Kari He loves and cares about if I didn't have my little quirks.

I have to wait patiently to see what Kat decides, yeah I know I have no patience, but I don't have a choice. I also have to realize or rather convince my brain that it's not me that she has past issues that cause her to be overly cautious and that at this point she doesn't know what she wants. It sucks that she picked us to decide whether she really wants poly or not.

On to other updates. My head is quiet. Too quiet if you ask me. One side effect is the possibility to dream more, well let me tell you, I have had some vivid dreams the past two nights and I have remembered them. I never remember my dreams and yeah it probably has nothing to do with the meds, but my brain thinks it does. :) I'm not groggy like I was yesterday. My head is clearer and I'm actually able to sleep which is a good thing. In fact, I should go take my meds and go to bed.

More tomorrow or rather later today.

Rich's kari

Still Alive

I wanted to do a post that says I'm still alive and kicking, just haven't been in the right frame of mind to post, but I will post as soon as my mind comes back.

Kari

Went with Master to the body shop today in order to get an estimate for the car to be fixed. Just by looking at the outside damage we are looking at about $3000, but once they tear it down they will find more damage, so the price goes up. Where the hell are we going to get that kind of money to fix the car? My parents mentioned helping, but I'm not comfortable them helping me that much, when the car probably isn't even worth that. Master is stressed and rightly so. I'm trying my best to keep myself in a good space so that I can help Him through this difficult time, but it's tough. *sigh*

Went to the doctor today. He said that I seem to be on the right dosage when life is fine, but when I get stressed my mind goes wild, so he's giving me something to take for two weeks that should help level me out. He also said that on occasion when life is stressful we will probably have to add the extra medication. Which is fine with me as long as it doesn't make me a zombie and it helps me function better.

I'm job hunting. We need the money and as much as we aren't sure I'm ready to work, something has to be done. I'm looking for things to do online, but nothing yet. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Rich's kari

PS - I love You Master, we will get through this as long as we are together.

I wish I may, I wish I might...

I wish I could say that voices and visions have gone away, but damn it I'm not that lucky! Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist tomorrow at 10am. It's a good thing I called, because he's going out of town for the rest of the week, so they are squeezing me in. That's good! Master asked me tonight what I'm seeing. *sigh* I hate telling people what I see because I think I know what they are thinking. I believe they are thinking well she's a nut job. So when Master asked me tonight, I accused Him of not believing me, why else would He question me? Obviously, my paranoia kicked in. He calmly told me that He knew that sometimes depending on the time of year, month, day, or situation I might see different things, so He was trying to help me figure out what was going on. I immediately apologized because I know now that He did believe me, my brain didn't though.

I'm hearing things that aren't there. I'll hear a female voice saying my name, then I turn and there is no one there. I hear my grandparents voices and the two that I am hearing died several years ago. I see something move out of the corner of my eye, then I turn to look, and nothing is there. I feel like people are watching me and that people are listening to my thoughts. To me it's like I'm thinking out loud, so people are starting at me.

Tomorrow though, I see the doctor.

Aggi hit a building today while she was driving. She and Master went to her work so she could talk to her boss about more hours. She went to park, hit the gas and ran into a building. She broke a glass window and killed the bush. The car was hurt more than anything else, it needs a new hood, grill, and bumper. We didn't get on her case, cause accidents happen and we figure at least she didn't hit a person or another car. Our car obviously needs some repairs, but we will get those done, just gonna take time. Hard to pay for it, when money is extra tight. Ugh!

I'm trying to keep my stress level down because I know that causes my anxiety and hallucinations to be worse, but trying to stay calm is easier said than done.

I need to go find myself a snack, cause I'm hungry. More tomorrow.

Rich's kari

Her name is Kat

Yesterday we met Sweetie. I now have permission to use her name and it's Kat. She is such a sweetie! We met at a bar pub type of place had a nice meal and talked. I went to the restroom and the restaurant had a vending machine with cigarettes in it! OMG! You can by them in a vending machine. I have never seen that before. At lunch we mostly talked about vanilla stuff, still trying to get comfortable with each other. After lunch, we went to a outlet mall, as Kat wanted to buy some shoes. I love shopping! I've been to the mall before, but never walked the whole thing. Kat wanted to find a couple pairs of shoes, but only ended up finding one pair. They were nice shoes. I found some funky shoes, but dang they are a lot of money! I'm more of a Wally World girl when it comes to shoes and clothes.

We passed this little vendor that had glass pendants and I totally fell in love with them, but Master wouldn't let me by it the first time we walked by. So, we went through the rest of the mall. Stopped at Hot Topic, which was nice so that I could look at nipple jewelry cause I wanna get them redone. On the way back, Master let me by a pendant and He even let me by one for Kat. We have matching ones, I love it! She wasn't going to let me buy it, but I snagged it from her hand when she told me which one she liked.

We stopped at the food court, got drinks, and found a place to sit and talk. We had a really nice discussion about the lifestyle, what she is looking for and what we are looking for. I asked her if she was bi-sexual and she said that she's more into the affectionate part with a female, which is exactly like me. I do like tease of the nipples and such, but once it gets below there, I would just prefer a guy. :) It's nice that she and I are on the same page, because I always feel awkward in that type of situation. I'm not a dominant so it's hard for me to make a move on a woman, plus I don't know where to touch or how to touch, so I'd rather not.

I went to the restroom and when I came back Master was holding her hand. That was tough at first, because He hasn't been that way with anyone in quite some time. I would have been happy if He would have held my hand as well, but it was too public and I didn't think that would look right. Before we left the mall He put His arm around her and she asked Him if it would bother me. Later He told me she asked that. I'm glad that she thought about me when He went to do that. I know that she's not wanting to take my place. I know that He's not trying to replace me and as much as I want a sister, it was hard to see Him that way with another. I know that in time it will get easier.

I really like her. I think that had she been able to she would have come home with us to visit some more. She is planning a trip up her soon and then we are planning a trip down to see her again. We talked about how fast we want to take this and we decided to take it nice and slow. Her lease is up in November so maybe by then, something more concrete might happen between us. I do wish that she was closer to us so that we could hang out, watch a movie, and just get to know each other better.

I have another post that I want to write, so I'll end this now and try to write another post.

Rich's kari

I am hoping that this becomes a safe haven that I can blog about everything just like livejournal. I love that I have readers in both places, so will try my best to keep up on posting here.

Thank you for reading me.

Kari Renee

I figured out a way to hide, go me! So, here will be my new blog.

Kari