Take It Seriously

I learned tonight why people put up walls when it comes to relationships. Things might fall through with Kat. Am I shocked? Kinda. After we got back from our weekend she informed Master that she's in contact with another Dominant in Vegas and can't decide whether she wants poly or a situation where she's the Dom's only girl. It pisses me off that she didn't tell us before hand that she was talking with others. I'm the type of person that when we start talking with people, I drop my guard and let people in, then shit like this happens. She's supposed to come up here in a few weeks, but I think she's going to cancel, as she says things are moving too fast. She said tonight that she can't move, well heck, we have only met once, been talking less than a month, so said anything about moving? And if someone did move, who said it had to be her? Uh, no one. Master and I can't move for another two years, so heck, we are in no hurry, we sure as heck don't expect someone to just drop everything and move. Especially since she lives in Vegas. That's not that far from us, it's a little easier to visit, since she's not in New York or some far off place.

Master thinks that she scared of how she is already feeling things for us. I think it's because she doesn't know what the heck she wants. I asked her tonight if when we are down there is a few weeks to drop Aggi off at the airport if we could meet up again and it was we can talk about it. Heck tonight I wanted to talk to her, she hopped on IM, I asked if we could talk on the phone and it was no, IM is fine. Then when I asked what was wrong with the phone, her minutes are low, then it changed to I'm on the phone all day at work. Well heck, she's on the computer all day at her job too, but still she's online. We finally started talking about stuff, like getting to know her, I was asking her questions, she answered didn't even ask what my response was to the same questions and said she had none of her own to ask. Hmm. Does she really want to get to know us or perhaps it's just me.

It's hard for me to say that I'm gonna keep putting myself out there, because I'm the one that's gonna get hurt and I just don't want to go through that. I don't need the heartache right now. I've got enough stuff going on. Perhaps it is that she's just scared and things will work out, but sadly I'm not as hopeful as I was on Sunday.

But what do I do? Is it me?

I always go into this maybe it's just me, because I have so many personality issues. Most of them I'm pretty good at controlling, but there are still a few habits I have that just come naturally and perhaps it might scare people off. I sometimes think that Master would be better off with another slave that didn't have problems, then He'd have a better chance at adding a 3rd. I know that Master loves me the way I am. I know that He wouldn't trade me for the world, but there are those brief moments where I think what if I wasn't His? Would He be happier? Yes, deep down I know that if something was wrong with me Master would fix me, but still I'm allowed to have my insecure thoughts, heck I wouldn't be the Kari He loves and cares about if I didn't have my little quirks.

I have to wait patiently to see what Kat decides, yeah I know I have no patience, but I don't have a choice. I also have to realize or rather convince my brain that it's not me that she has past issues that cause her to be overly cautious and that at this point she doesn't know what she wants. It sucks that she picked us to decide whether she really wants poly or not.

On to other updates. My head is quiet. Too quiet if you ask me. One side effect is the possibility to dream more, well let me tell you, I have had some vivid dreams the past two nights and I have remembered them. I never remember my dreams and yeah it probably has nothing to do with the meds, but my brain thinks it does. :) I'm not groggy like I was yesterday. My head is clearer and I'm actually able to sleep which is a good thing. In fact, I should go take my meds and go to bed.

More tomorrow or rather later today.

Rich's kari