It's been awhile since I have posted, so I think it's time that I do. I'm in enough trouble as it is with Master. Since school started, I think I have made it to my classes for a week and that's it. I take the girls to school in the morning, then I get to a stop sign and I can go two ways, left or right. Left takes me to school, right takes me home and all week I have gone right. Master isn't too happy with me, but I don't think that he understands what I'm going through. The thought of going to class makes me nausea's, I get all sweaty and just can't go. Today I talked to Master about dropping all of my classes and taking the semester off, his answer was "Don't give up," but in some ways I already have. My head just isn't in the school mode, I just plain 'ole don't care. My anxiety is through the roof, but taking something for it during the day just knocks me out, so how is that helpful?
I did meet with one of my professors today and he thinks that I should hang in there with my theory class, so I will. It's a lot of work for me, because I struggled so much last semester, that the review we are doing isn't really helping me. I'm hoping that by working really hard to understand it here at home that it will click and I'll be able to pull a decent grade out of it. My GPA is at a good spot and I don't want that to drop. I worked my ass off last semester to earn what I did.
I have been practicing the flute and piano more. I'm loving my piano lessons, I even love my piano teacher, she's pretty awesome. I'm hoping that I can pass the proficiency test before too much longer, as I just want to be done with piano. I know that I will have to take flute lessons until I graduate, but perhaps once I'm done with the proficiency test, then I can just take piano for fun.
I have to get my head back into school mode, otherwise I'm going to fail this semester.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Small Update
I am so totally out of the blogging routine, I'm struggling as I just don't want to do it, but I know that it's a requirement, so here I am. So much has happened since I left before Christmas. The vacation was nice on some ends and horrible on other ends.
My parents had some fights or rather fights everyday. Dad was constantly accusing mom of cheating on him. It was awful. One day Aggi and I hid our room all day. They fought about many other things. We all suspect that my dad has some mental health problems like I do, although he will never admit it.
I got to see my brother J on Christmas Day. I miss him so much, one night he called and we must have talked for like 35 minutes about tv shows, it was so awesome. I really hope that once he's out of jail he will turn his life around, like I did when I moved to Utah, but who knows what he'll do. Kind of hard to have faith in him when he's failed so many times, but I guess others probably said that about me 5 years ago.
We drive the car home that my parents gave me. The weather was bad in some parts and I was having panic attacks while Master was driving, which I know didn't help him any. I wish that I could have just closed my eyes and gone to sleep, but I was too nervous.
There is so much more to write about, but my brain is about to turn into much, so that's it for now.
Rich's kari
My parents had some fights or rather fights everyday. Dad was constantly accusing mom of cheating on him. It was awful. One day Aggi and I hid our room all day. They fought about many other things. We all suspect that my dad has some mental health problems like I do, although he will never admit it.
I got to see my brother J on Christmas Day. I miss him so much, one night he called and we must have talked for like 35 minutes about tv shows, it was so awesome. I really hope that once he's out of jail he will turn his life around, like I did when I moved to Utah, but who knows what he'll do. Kind of hard to have faith in him when he's failed so many times, but I guess others probably said that about me 5 years ago.
We drive the car home that my parents gave me. The weather was bad in some parts and I was having panic attacks while Master was driving, which I know didn't help him any. I wish that I could have just closed my eyes and gone to sleep, but I was too nervous.
There is so much more to write about, but my brain is about to turn into much, so that's it for now.
Rich's kari
Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was analyzing how I feel about being a slave. I often struggle with being Masters wife and slave, it's like the lines blur. I was talking to a friend the other night who was talking about how she found a website about being a slave and her new Master says that it will be close to the list of things. So I was thinking, if I don't meet every requirement on the list, does that make me less of a slave?
I already know the answer, it doesn't make me less of a slave, but that doesn't stop me from analyzing it. And please I don't want comments to reassure me of the fact that I'm a good slave and such. Master tells me all the time, that I'm the slave that he wants. So why does this bother me so much? I think it's because I don't do the things that other slaves I know do. Because of our daughter we say we live the live 24/7, but it's hard. Then I started analyzing the fact that there are other slaves I know that have kids and they make it work, so how come we can't? I know that every situation is different, but I have been the one to think that if so and so can do it, so can I.
I often think about having a sister slave, but then I realize that it probably won't happen and that makes me sad. Why do I say that it will never happen? Because of Master's issue to not be able to have sex. I'm ok with it, I used to not be, but I love him and he has taught me that being intimate doesn't require intercourse. I used to think that if someone had sex with me that they loved me, but boy was I wrong about that.
On New Years day, I wrote a pledge to Master and while I post almost everything here in my journal, it's something special between him and I and I think I want to keep it that way, unless he tells me that he wants me to share it here. My attitude towards my slavery has changed drastically. I'm relearning the basics, like not to question, how to be respectful, and so on. I sometimes think that going back to the beginning is the best thing to do and in this case, it's really helping me. I know that I will never fit into a perfect slave mold, as there isn't one, but I will be the perfect slave for Master, whatever that may be.
Rich's kari
I already know the answer, it doesn't make me less of a slave, but that doesn't stop me from analyzing it. And please I don't want comments to reassure me of the fact that I'm a good slave and such. Master tells me all the time, that I'm the slave that he wants. So why does this bother me so much? I think it's because I don't do the things that other slaves I know do. Because of our daughter we say we live the live 24/7, but it's hard. Then I started analyzing the fact that there are other slaves I know that have kids and they make it work, so how come we can't? I know that every situation is different, but I have been the one to think that if so and so can do it, so can I.
I often think about having a sister slave, but then I realize that it probably won't happen and that makes me sad. Why do I say that it will never happen? Because of Master's issue to not be able to have sex. I'm ok with it, I used to not be, but I love him and he has taught me that being intimate doesn't require intercourse. I used to think that if someone had sex with me that they loved me, but boy was I wrong about that.
On New Years day, I wrote a pledge to Master and while I post almost everything here in my journal, it's something special between him and I and I think I want to keep it that way, unless he tells me that he wants me to share it here. My attitude towards my slavery has changed drastically. I'm relearning the basics, like not to question, how to be respectful, and so on. I sometimes think that going back to the beginning is the best thing to do and in this case, it's really helping me. I know that I will never fit into a perfect slave mold, as there isn't one, but I will be the perfect slave for Master, whatever that may be.
Rich's kari
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