Sweet & Solid Love

Master and I talk a lot during the day on the cell phones. The Wednesday this is part of the conversation -

Kari - I miss you
Rich - I miss you too

Other than Him working, we aren't apart very much, but I do miss Him. I think that's the one thing that reminds me everyday that I'm so in love with Him. I think about Him constantly, when He's home I always want to be in the same room as Him, I just can't get enough of Him. Last night we both went to bed at the same time, which is completely a new thing for us and I just laid there watching Him breathe, just seeing how peaceful He is. I get all excited when I hear His ringtone on my cell phone. I love that He calls me just to tell me He loves me. I made the comment about Him calling me just to say I love you to my mom and she was like wow, "I wish your dad did that."

What makes this all funny to me, is that even after 5 years, I know that I love Him more than the day I married Him and I continue to fall in love with Him everyday. I asked Him the other day if He believed in soul mates, of course I already knew His answer, He's not sure, which makes since in my mind since He is searching for someone to join us in our poly relationship, I believe though that He is my soul mate, He is the one that I belong with and to. The road that we have traveled since I moved here as been a long road, but it has brought so many good things.

He makes me smile when I want to yell, throw something, curse, cry, or runaway. He comforts me when I need it. He gives me space, but stays somewhat close knowing that I might need Him quickly. There are times that I have a bad night, I'm so hesitant to wake Him up, but the times that I have instead of yelling at me, He's always helped me, heck He's done sleepless nights in order to help me through something. I love when we have tickle fights, when we argue about how the pictures seem uneven, but are measured to a T, how we chase each around the house playing catch me if you can, how we sit in the living room watching tv, and how we spend time with our wonderful daughter.

Our love isn't perfect. We fight, scream, say mean things, slam doors, and other things, but in the end we love each and despite the bad times we are in love and it's such an amazing feeling. I wish that I could describe the feeling, but I can't, it's just something that is inside me, giving me those warm and fuzzies.

I'm lucky to have found Him and I extra lucky that He kept me after finding out about all my deep rooted issues.

------------------------------------------

Okay, so this post wasn't supposed to be this gushing of emotions over Master, but hey, I started typing and it all came out. I do have another post I'm working on, so hopefully that one will get up today as well.

Rich's kari

SeaWorld Pictures

I loved going to SeaWorld, I would go again tomorrow if I could, it was just so awesome. Tia asked if she had missed the pictures, so I went through my entries and I never posted them, ooppss. I didn't post them all today, because there are a bazillion, so I'm sorting through the ones I think ya'll might want to see.

I thought that the dolphin was going to touch the flag, but it didn't happen. Maybe he was having a bad jumping day.




He was just relaxing on his back, enjoying his swim!




I thought it was so cool that he had the ball on his nose and even more cool that the picture turned out wonderfully.





And to end the pictures for today, here is one of my favorites, even though the quality sucks!

Rich's kari

Let's Play Pretend

Do you remember when you were a kid and you would play pretend? Maybe ya'll didn't, but I did. I would pretend I was a teacher, a doctor, a musician. My brother and I would find all kinds of pretend things to play, it kept us busy. I thought that at the age of 30, almost 31 that I would have stopped playing pretend, but I haven't.

I've been depressed lately. With my gaining weight, I don't feel attractive. I feel as if Master will replace me for some cute younger woman, I mean heck, I'm young, so He could find someone younger. Plus Master and I are women watchers. We have our own hand system for when we see a cute girl and want the other person to look, it's a pretty damn good system, but lately I'm so insecure, that every time He points out a girl, despite how yummy she looks, I just wanna cry. After talking with Brandy, I talked with Master and asked Him if He could stop looking for just awhile. I explained why and He reassured me that we have been together 5 years and He's not going to replace me. So, tonight we go to the store and I notice that He's not pointing women out, which is what I wanted, but now I feel bad, because that's something that He enjoys doing. He says not to feel bad that He's really ok with not pointing them out if it will help my self-esteem. Because of how I have been feeling about Master looking at others, I wanted to add my thoughts on swinging since a friend of mind helped me really focus on how I'm feeling about a lot of things.

Swinging. Now that’s a whole different ball game right now. Because my weight is going up and down, mostly up right now, I’m so insecure that if we went to a club for swinging, I would break down into a puddle of tears. If Rich even mentioned adding someone else to our relationship right now, I’d probably have to be admitted to the hospital, because I just can’t handle that right now. We haven’t down any swinging in quite some time. Rich does talk to some women about joining us, but it never works out, so no biggie there. I knew from day one with Rich that he wants more than one woman and I had to accept that and honestly there are times when I’m ok with it and then there are times when I’m not. Lately when we go out shopping or whatever, he looks at women, and on occasion, I like to, but lately when he’s showing me the cute ones, I just get irritated because I’m just feeling insecure and I think I need to tell him that, because until I started typing this, I wasn’t aware that I was feeling that way.

Looking at my depression, I have been depressed a lot lately. Partly because I have missed at least 4 days of my medications this week. My medications don't need to be adjusted, the cocktail I am on is fine, it would work even better if I managed to take the medication, so I will work harder on that. Being bi-polar sadly I have more downs that ups, which I wish was not true. I love the highs, I know ways to through myself into a high, which is tempting, but then I risk the chance of doing stupid things because that can happen when I'm manic. I think a lot of my depression has to do with the weather. I know a lot of people that get depressed in the winter because they can't go outside, well it's the opposite for me. When it's 112 or higher, I don't want to go outside, but sitting in the house is not helping my depression. I watch a lot of TV, so much so that I can recite some of the episodes of certain shows, like Bones, Charmed, NCIS, and a few others. I could watch the Disney channel, but I've seen a lot of those episodes too. Aggi would love to play board games, but I so hate monopoly, as I suck at the game. I think I need to color or scrapbook more. I'm in the process of decorating my office, which I am hoping will do me some good, as there is no color in here right now.

Another thing that has been on my mind is therapy. I need to go see my therapist, but there is one thing that stops me. She's Mormon. I don't feel comfortable talking to her about how my husband and I can't have intercourse and how deeply it hurts me that we can't connect that way. I can't share with her all the deep feelings, because she would look at me differently. It frustrates me, because when I go to therapy all I feel I can talk about is how I'm struggle with Aggi or how Rich and I argue over stupid stuff. I'm afraid that if I was to open up about the lifestyle part, the cops would end up getting called and Rich would be in trouble and we don't need that. I thought about looking for a therapist that isn't Mormon, but then that messes with my psychiatrist and I really don't feel like changing to another one. I'm tempted to talk to my psychiatrist next time I see him and ask him about changing to a therapist that perhaps isn't Mormon, only thing is I'm not sure that he isn't Mormon.

There are so many emotions locked inside me because I don't know who to express them to. If I express them to Master, then He worries about me more and I don't want that. I want Him to know that I can handle things on my own, but I guess sometimes I can't and instead of thinking that by talking to Him I'm being a burden I need to remind myself that He wants to help me, that He loves me so much, would do anything He could for me, so it's okay to talk to Him. When talking to Him earlier I did share how depressed I am, so He's been watching over me, asking me if I'm okay, if there is anything that He can get me or do for me. He's being really sweet, understanding, and loving and that's exactly what I need right now. I need Him to hold me close and remind me that I'm His forever and that He loves me no matter how fat I get.

On to other things, yesterday I did manage to make it out of the house and did bumper boating and that was a lot of fun. Tonight we went to Wally World, so that Aggi could buy Elizabeth a birthday present for her party on Sunday, then we went grocery shopping and ended up buying a lot of junk food.

I did get to look at the school supplies at Wally World and OMGolly, I was in heaven. For those who don't know I have an office supply fetish and school time is perfect for that fetish. I even get to get a new backpack this year!! I'm so freakin' excited, we are going to Staples tomorrow and I hope to find the perfect one.

Life is going to be okay, I know this, it's just gonna take me awhile to get back to being me. I will be me again soon, I know I will. I'm good at pretending I'm perfectly fine, but it's time to be real and deal with what's bothering me. Thank you Brandy so much, because your email was just the swift kick in the ass to get me going.

Rich's kari

Day 2

I didn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned, then was up several times during the night. I had a bad set of tremors and that definitely helped keep me up. At some point I ended up with cookies in the bed, about 5:30am, I woke up choking on a cookie, then I had to throw up. Ick! I have to figure out what I'm stressing about, because that's what causes me to sleep eat. The thing is, nothing is really wrong at this moment in time, but perhaps it's my brain thinking of all the stuff that is going on next week and the weeks to follow.

A few of my friends have said that summer has gone by too fast, but for me it hasn't gone fast enough. I want to be back in school, dealing with my own homework, running Aggi to all of her activities, making sure she stays up on her homework, keep up with the dishes and laundry. For me when I'm so busy, things go good for me, there is no down time where my mind can wonder into all the negative areas, I don't get hallucinations during the day, because there is no time, I'm so focused on everything else, but once night hits, the hallucinations come, BUT being that I'll be up early everyday, hopefully I'll be asleep with the hallucinations try to visit.

I took a break from writing to go get some food and now that I'm back I'm not sure what else to write, so I'll stop for tonight.

Today is day 2 of no caffeine. Yay me!

Rich's kari

Edge Play Talk

Master was talking to another submissive today, He let me read the conversation, I stumbled across the word or rather initials GS going along to say that He was looking for someone who was into that, so I asked Him what that meant. He said golden showers. I said I am in to that! He said, I know that we have done it twice, but wasn't sure that you were into it still. Hell yes I am! So there was a little bit of a communication gap, but I'm excited to venture into this area of play with Master.

Before Master went to bed, I asked Him for a topic to write on for tomorrow's entry, so He said golden showers and how I felt about them. I then asked if by golden showers did He mean drinking urine as well, He said possibly, to look into all aspects and write about what I felt concerning the topics.

I remember the first time He peed on me, it was at the other house in the huge bathtub. He had me kneel I turned my face away and He peed on my back. It was warm, the smell was different, it was nice. I think of golden showers as a way of Master marking me as His, I don't think of it as humiliation as some do. It's one of those acts that makes me feel all warm in fuzzy for. I know the first time that He did it, I did want to back out, as I mentioned in the entry Piss Play,but I hate to back out of things when it is something that I have particularly asked for, that just seems stupid to me.

When I think about Him peeing on my back, I try to think about how I would feel if He peed on my face and I can't quite put an emotion on that. I'm not sure that it's something that I can ask for, I think it would be something that I would just have to have done to me, because that's what He feels like doing to me. If He were to give me the option, the part of me that wants to do everything to please, would do it anyways, but then I would worry about the true reason of did I like it or not. If I'm forced to do something, I think my mindset goes into the space of "I hate this, because He's forcing me to do it." It loses it's appeal and I lose my open-mindedness or at least that's how I look at it.

Then I started thinking about drinking pee. That's a topic that I am totally unsure about. When my ex and I were together, he liked me to pee in his mouth and that was hard for me, because I wasn't sure how I felt about the aspect of people drinking other peoples pee. The last time he and I were together, He had me pee into ice cube trays, let them freeze, and then ate them like popsicles. Hmm, not sure I could do that and I don't see pee popsicles coming out on the market anytime soon. LOL. Heck, I have a hard time swallowing cum but that's different, because I hate for cum to even touch me, but I've already shown that I can handle and love being peed on. So maybe for some completely unknown reason to me, pee doesn't freak me out as much as cum. I know a few slaves that are required to drink their Masters pee, one I know isn't too thrilled about it and I think the other never cared for it either, so what exactly is the appeal of it? Maybe someone else on my friends list does it and can share that.

Can I see myself drinking Masters pee? Not anytime soon. Not until I do more research and talk to more people who have done or still do drink pee. Master isn't going to require something of me when we are both unsure about, as He has no desire to cause me any physical harm. I'm having a hard time finding other stuff, but will keep looking.

So the jury is still out for me on drinking pee, but all the other stuff regarding golden showers, I'm game for!

Rich's kari

Fed Up & Pity Party!

I am so fed up with people telling me what to do about my weight. Yes, I know I'm overweight. Yes, I know that a lot of my medical problems are because I am overweight. I went to the doctor today, I knew he was going to bring up my weight, saying well if you want to get off the medication that's causing you 5-8 bowel movements a day, then you should lose weight. Ya know what I wanted to say? "Screw you! I will lose the weight when I am damn good and ready to!" I'm tired of skinny people, my doctors, sitting there telling me oh you should try weight watchers, curves, the biggest loser diet. First off I don't have the money to do that and second off what if that doesn't work for me.

I know that I can lose the weight, I've done it before, so I just want people to shut up about it. I look in the mirror everyday, since I'm naked when I go to bed and wake up, I see my huge tummy, I can't deny that I'm fat, but I'm not ready. I'm not sure why I'm not ready, but I'm not. With all my blood work happening and talk of diabetes it makes me think of my grandmother. Her kids were constantly telling her she needed to eat at home more, not fast food. Every morning for breakfast my grandmother had an orange, cheetos, and coffee. She was diabetic, she knew that she needed to eat healthier, one day she told me something that I never forgot, in fact she told both my cousin Kris and I. "I am only gonna live once, I will eat whatever I want." She died young, yes I know that, but she lived a healthy live. I see people eating health bars and such. I tried the Special K bars and the ones I had tasted like wax, I couldn't eat it.

Master has given me the task of keeping a food journal and I will. Now some of you might say, well wait a minute, you said you don't want people to tell you what to do about your weight. Master is different, for a couple different reasons. I'm His slave, He owns me, He lives with me, so He knows me and my eating styles, so He knows the areas in which I need help. Sadly, I am like a kid, hence why I think of Master as my Daddy as well. I'm like a kid in the sense of I need to have rules and be accountable for things. The doctor can't be at my house when I want chips and say, "Kari don't eat those." Right now, I need someone to give me that push, even though I don't want it.

I've been thinking why I don't want to lose weight and I came up with my own answer. I tend to lose weight, slack off, then gain it back, plus some, so I figure why try again, it's just gonna come back. Yes that's stinkin' thinkin', but heck, I'm being dead honest about it. I don't want to live without soda. I love soda, chips, pizza, candy, fast food, and all that bad stuff, so when I think of losing weight, exercising, and being on a diet I think of having to give all that up.

I can't! No rather, I won't. Maybe I will be able to have those things once in awhile, I don't know, because I've never been successful at losing the weight and keeping it off. Those of you out there that diet and such, are you able to have junk food once in awhile? Are you able to eat out at a fast food restaurant. I love my taco bell and the thought of not being able to have that, just makes me go nuts.

I don't drink alcohol, I would love to, but it doesn't mix well with my meds, so I know that if I drink any, that I'm gonna have some bad reactions, so why can't my head think the same thing about food? Is my brain wired wrong? Am I destined to be fat the rest of my life?

If you haven't noticed yes, I'm having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. But this is my journal and I will whine if I want to. I know that I might get some responses of yes you can do this and that's not why I'm writing this entry, I do know that deep down I can do this, I just want to know that others have traveled down this same path and have succeeded. I want to know that it is possible to keep weight off without having to have surgery, not that I think bad of anyone who has surgery, cause my mom-in-law did, but it's not for me. I want to know that I'm not alone in this, that yes I do have other friends that are plump and struggle with the same thing.

Thanks ya'll for reading about my pity party, it will pass, probable by tomorrow, just been a long ass terrible day.

Rich's kari

Words Hurt

Today was a rough day. Yesterday morning Master had to go get His toes looked at and ended up having some in the office procedure. While we were waiting, Andrea's best friend Jenna came in. She immediatly went into the bathroom, called Andrea, and proceeded to talk to her while in the waiting room. When Master was taken to the back room, we talked about how I wanted to say hi, but that it wasn't appropriate, especially in a public place. Later in the evening at dinner I was talking to Ky and told her about seeing Jenna, not once did I say anything bad about Jenna. The whole time Andrea and I were friends, when Jenna was bad mouthed my response majority of the time was that Jenna had good intentions in everything she did, she might not have gone about it the ideal way, but she still had good intentions.

So, last night Aggi and I went to the store to buy some dishwasher detergent and while we were there, we saw a friend of mine named Daniel. He's involved with another friend name Ginger and in the middle of it all is a 3 year old boy that has never met his father. There are things that the mother has told me that would work against her and help the father with getting some sort of visitation and I was tempted to tell him, but I kept my mouth shut.

I got home, was on facebook, updating my status, I put something to the effect that I had saw someone not to long ago from my past and wanted to tell them everything that I knew, but that some things were better left unsaid. So, I wake up this afternoon and I'm blasted on facebook by Andrea with some not so nice words, that I'm choosing to keep private.

I immediately broke down into tears, it freakin' had nothing to do with her. I went into the living room crying and Aggi came over to comfort me. I called Andrea, she didn't answer her phone, but I left a message explaining who and what I meant on facebook. I also sent her a text message. She eventually came online and talked with me, saying that she found it odd that I would post that about someone other than Jenna since I had just seen Jenna that morning.

I hate when people assume! All she had to do was write, call, or text me and ask who I was talking about. She apologized for blasting me on facebook, but still people read it before I had a chance to delete it. After talking with her a few days ago, I thought that we had reached at least a little bit of resolution, but I guess I was wrong. No matter how many times she apologizes, it doesn't take away from what she said. I'm the type of person that I don't say things that I don't mean and I don't believe that people say things that they don't mean, but I'm probably wrong about that.

Part of me wants to delete my account on facebook and myspace, because it's all drama and I hate that. The thing is, I keep in contact with a lot of friends from high school on there and I don't want to lose that, so I'll probably keep the accounts. Master says I just need to remove Andrea from my friends list, but then that would show her that I want nothing to do with her, right now I feel that way, but how am I going to feel tomorrow? All of this gives me a freakin' headache!

We leave for Sea World on Saturday and I am so excited. Heck, I'm ready to go now. I was hoping that I knew someone from here or a former school mate, so I could meet someone, but I don't think that's gonna happen, which is okay. I'm ready for fireworks as well and maybe I'll get a little smoochy-smoochy from Master, as we will have Aggi with us, so there will be no hanky-panky.

I took an anxiety pill earlier this afternoon, then a nap, and I'm feeling in such better spirits now. I'm starting to get a grip on my emotions controlling me and while I wanted to cut today, I didn't, so yay me! I'm making progress, slow, but steady.

Until later....