Fed Up & Pity Party!

I am so fed up with people telling me what to do about my weight. Yes, I know I'm overweight. Yes, I know that a lot of my medical problems are because I am overweight. I went to the doctor today, I knew he was going to bring up my weight, saying well if you want to get off the medication that's causing you 5-8 bowel movements a day, then you should lose weight. Ya know what I wanted to say? "Screw you! I will lose the weight when I am damn good and ready to!" I'm tired of skinny people, my doctors, sitting there telling me oh you should try weight watchers, curves, the biggest loser diet. First off I don't have the money to do that and second off what if that doesn't work for me.

I know that I can lose the weight, I've done it before, so I just want people to shut up about it. I look in the mirror everyday, since I'm naked when I go to bed and wake up, I see my huge tummy, I can't deny that I'm fat, but I'm not ready. I'm not sure why I'm not ready, but I'm not. With all my blood work happening and talk of diabetes it makes me think of my grandmother. Her kids were constantly telling her she needed to eat at home more, not fast food. Every morning for breakfast my grandmother had an orange, cheetos, and coffee. She was diabetic, she knew that she needed to eat healthier, one day she told me something that I never forgot, in fact she told both my cousin Kris and I. "I am only gonna live once, I will eat whatever I want." She died young, yes I know that, but she lived a healthy live. I see people eating health bars and such. I tried the Special K bars and the ones I had tasted like wax, I couldn't eat it.

Master has given me the task of keeping a food journal and I will. Now some of you might say, well wait a minute, you said you don't want people to tell you what to do about your weight. Master is different, for a couple different reasons. I'm His slave, He owns me, He lives with me, so He knows me and my eating styles, so He knows the areas in which I need help. Sadly, I am like a kid, hence why I think of Master as my Daddy as well. I'm like a kid in the sense of I need to have rules and be accountable for things. The doctor can't be at my house when I want chips and say, "Kari don't eat those." Right now, I need someone to give me that push, even though I don't want it.

I've been thinking why I don't want to lose weight and I came up with my own answer. I tend to lose weight, slack off, then gain it back, plus some, so I figure why try again, it's just gonna come back. Yes that's stinkin' thinkin', but heck, I'm being dead honest about it. I don't want to live without soda. I love soda, chips, pizza, candy, fast food, and all that bad stuff, so when I think of losing weight, exercising, and being on a diet I think of having to give all that up.

I can't! No rather, I won't. Maybe I will be able to have those things once in awhile, I don't know, because I've never been successful at losing the weight and keeping it off. Those of you out there that diet and such, are you able to have junk food once in awhile? Are you able to eat out at a fast food restaurant. I love my taco bell and the thought of not being able to have that, just makes me go nuts.

I don't drink alcohol, I would love to, but it doesn't mix well with my meds, so I know that if I drink any, that I'm gonna have some bad reactions, so why can't my head think the same thing about food? Is my brain wired wrong? Am I destined to be fat the rest of my life?

If you haven't noticed yes, I'm having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. But this is my journal and I will whine if I want to. I know that I might get some responses of yes you can do this and that's not why I'm writing this entry, I do know that deep down I can do this, I just want to know that others have traveled down this same path and have succeeded. I want to know that it is possible to keep weight off without having to have surgery, not that I think bad of anyone who has surgery, cause my mom-in-law did, but it's not for me. I want to know that I'm not alone in this, that yes I do have other friends that are plump and struggle with the same thing.

Thanks ya'll for reading about my pity party, it will pass, probable by tomorrow, just been a long ass terrible day.

Rich's kari