I've been depressed lately. With my gaining weight, I don't feel attractive. I feel as if Master will replace me for some cute younger woman, I mean heck, I'm young, so He could find someone younger. Plus Master and I are women watchers. We have our own hand system for when we see a cute girl and want the other person to look, it's a pretty damn good system, but lately I'm so insecure, that every time He points out a girl, despite how yummy she looks, I just wanna cry. After talking with Brandy, I talked with Master and asked Him if He could stop looking for just awhile. I explained why and He reassured me that we have been together 5 years and He's not going to replace me. So, tonight we go to the store and I notice that He's not pointing women out, which is what I wanted, but now I feel bad, because that's something that He enjoys doing. He says not to feel bad that He's really ok with not pointing them out if it will help my self-esteem. Because of how I have been feeling about Master looking at others, I wanted to add my thoughts on swinging since a friend of mind helped me really focus on how I'm feeling about a lot of things.
Swinging. Now that’s a whole different ball game right now. Because my weight is going up and down, mostly up right now, I’m so insecure that if we went to a club for swinging, I would break down into a puddle of tears. If Rich even mentioned adding someone else to our relationship right now, I’d probably have to be admitted to the hospital, because I just can’t handle that right now. We haven’t down any swinging in quite some time. Rich does talk to some women about joining us, but it never works out, so no biggie there. I knew from day one with Rich that he wants more than one woman and I had to accept that and honestly there are times when I’m ok with it and then there are times when I’m not. Lately when we go out shopping or whatever, he looks at women, and on occasion, I like to, but lately when he’s showing me the cute ones, I just get irritated because I’m just feeling insecure and I think I need to tell him that, because until I started typing this, I wasn’t aware that I was feeling that way.
Looking at my depression, I have been depressed a lot lately. Partly because I have missed at least 4 days of my medications this week. My medications don't need to be adjusted, the cocktail I am on is fine, it would work even better if I managed to take the medication, so I will work harder on that. Being bi-polar sadly I have more downs that ups, which I wish was not true. I love the highs, I know ways to through myself into a high, which is tempting, but then I risk the chance of doing stupid things because that can happen when I'm manic. I think a lot of my depression has to do with the weather. I know a lot of people that get depressed in the winter because they can't go outside, well it's the opposite for me. When it's 112 or higher, I don't want to go outside, but sitting in the house is not helping my depression. I watch a lot of TV, so much so that I can recite some of the episodes of certain shows, like Bones, Charmed, NCIS, and a few others. I could watch the Disney channel, but I've seen a lot of those episodes too. Aggi would love to play board games, but I so hate monopoly, as I suck at the game. I think I need to color or scrapbook more. I'm in the process of decorating my office, which I am hoping will do me some good, as there is no color in here right now.
Another thing that has been on my mind is therapy. I need to go see my therapist, but there is one thing that stops me. She's Mormon. I don't feel comfortable talking to her about how my husband and I can't have intercourse and how deeply it hurts me that we can't connect that way. I can't share with her all the deep feelings, because she would look at me differently. It frustrates me, because when I go to therapy all I feel I can talk about is how I'm struggle with Aggi or how Rich and I argue over stupid stuff. I'm afraid that if I was to open up about the lifestyle part, the cops would end up getting called and Rich would be in trouble and we don't need that. I thought about looking for a therapist that isn't Mormon, but then that messes with my psychiatrist and I really don't feel like changing to another one. I'm tempted to talk to my psychiatrist next time I see him and ask him about changing to a therapist that perhaps isn't Mormon, only thing is I'm not sure that he isn't Mormon.
There are so many emotions locked inside me because I don't know who to express them to. If I express them to Master, then He worries about me more and I don't want that. I want Him to know that I can handle things on my own, but I guess sometimes I can't and instead of thinking that by talking to Him I'm being a burden I need to remind myself that He wants to help me, that He loves me so much, would do anything He could for me, so it's okay to talk to Him. When talking to Him earlier I did share how depressed I am, so He's been watching over me, asking me if I'm okay, if there is anything that He can get me or do for me. He's being really sweet, understanding, and loving and that's exactly what I need right now. I need Him to hold me close and remind me that I'm His forever and that He loves me no matter how fat I get.
On to other things, yesterday I did manage to make it out of the house and did bumper boating and that was a lot of fun. Tonight we went to Wally World, so that Aggi could buy
I did get to look at the school supplies at Wally World and OMGolly, I was in heaven. For those who don't know I have an office supply fetish and school time is perfect for that fetish. I even get to get a new backpack this year!! I'm so freakin' excited, we are going to Staples tomorrow and I hope to find the perfect one.
Life is going to be okay, I know this, it's just gonna take me awhile to get back to being me. I will be me again soon, I know I will. I'm good at pretending I'm perfectly fine, but it's time to be real and deal with what's bothering me. Thank you Brandy so much, because your email was just the swift kick in the ass to get me going.
Rich's kari
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