Saturday Play Party

Saturday was intense for me. We had a play party at a friends. I knew before hand that one of the Doms that I respect greatly was going to try and make me mark. I was a little nervous going into it, because I knew that it wasn't for pleasure. It wasn't a scene where he tried different toys, got me to subspace and such, it was plain 'ole intended to mark me.

I always have the desire to mark. Bruises to me are battle scars that I have taken something that is being given to me. He started off at getting a baseline. He would hit me with certain things, have me give him a number of were it was at pain then would intensify the hit. Then after the baseline we started. I was on a spanking bench, Master Rich was right in front of me. Sir Steel had asked me if I wanted a safe word and I didn't, so Master was the kill switch. If he thought it was too much or I told him I couldn't take anymore he would stop it. The last three blows were the most intense I have ever been given. I knew that all three were coming, but I didn't think I could handle it, but I pushed through it. Sir Steel said that he was proud of me for taking it and that meant a lot to me that he felt that way. He and I had also talked about how I was hoping to get a cry out of it, but that didn't happen. He talked with me later and asked me why I wasn't able to let myself get to that point and I think that the pain was so intense, plus I was distracted of other things going around. When that happens it's hard to get into the right head space. I did end up hitting a zone, cause I felt good the rest of the night and was in my own little happy world.

I got some awesome bruises, although yesterday I had a hard time walking and sitting, today is much better. Master has been taking pictures, so I'm looking forward to seeing how they look today.

I look forward to getting to play with Sir Steel again and seeing where the session will go.

Rich's kari

Here in the small town of Saint George, we are slowly forming a lifestyle group. We have about 10 people on our yahoo group. Last week we had a successful discussion about orientation and toys, then we had a play party. It was fun for all of us.

I'm on fetlife, as many are from our group. Master came across a thread from a Dominant in our group and he wanted me to read it. It was about how Steel, that's the guys name, and his girl were having issues. She no longer wants to be his slave and he isn't sure what to do with that. He talked about his various options, but none really end up with both people being happy.

I can relate to this, as Master and I are going through it, except it's in the opposite roles. I'm a slave, there is no denying that. Master, is well, a sometime Master. I think that he would be happy not being one and that he only does it because it makes me happy. But it's not just that it makes me happy, it's what and who I am. I can't change that, no matter how hard I try to stuff it away. It just doesn't work.

We have rules, but in all honestly most of the rules I recommend and he said he was okay with. When I disobey, I have to remind him of what I did and ask him if there will be a punishment. It's tough, because I feel like I'm topping from the bottom, but it's the only way that there is any type of 24/7 lifestyle.

In the past when we started to try and add other slaves, he started asking me to help and guide him to start the relationship right. What rules to set because it was long distance, how to do things when he wasn't physically with the person. That was tough for me, because again I felt that I was topping from the bottom, that I was the Master and not him.

On the forum Steel listed options that he had. My options are a little different.

I could ask for release, but when I have in the past, he has said no.

I won't leave him. Again he would have to release me.

I don't believe in divorce. And I promised from day one that if divorce ever entered the picture, I would go to couples therapy first.

Therapy is out of the option, at least here in Utah. We aren't having a normal couples spat. He didn't cheat on me nor me on him. We aren't having issues with raising a child. We are having issues being Master/slave and how to you approach that to a therapist that is a strict Mormon, cause my therapist is.

Talking to Master today, we have agreed to keep on pluggin' along. In the last few days I have become more attentive. Trying to remember to ask him if he needs anything, catching up on the laundry. Doing the other chores and rules that we have set in place.

I'm trying and gonna pull my part, now it's up to him.

Rich's kari

Let's Buy a Car

We took out a loan to buy a car. The process of buying the car is long and annoying, because you think you found something, take it to the mechanic and something is wrong with it, so you are going to have to put a shit load of money into it, just to get it running. It sucks.

I'm so stressed over this. I want to be done with it, but I know it's gonna take awhile, since we've only been looking for a couple weeks. I'm also stressed because we don't save money well, so if we don't buy a car soon, are we gonna end up blowing the money? Master says no, but I have my doubts. It's hard when you have money, because there are so many other things that we need or want. Blah!

Since I'm stressed, I think I'll go eat some candy.

Rich's kari

Quotes And A Update

So I need to get back into this posting thing, so I thought for today, I would post some quotes that mean something to me right now.


~ When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. ~Bill Copeland

~ We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams

~ Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb

~ Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

~ Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?

~ Saying no can be the ultimate self-care. (Claudia Black) - This one is my favorite for today.

~ Somehow I have to believe that I'm worth all the aggravation I cause myself.

~*~

I have learned in the past few days that we all have to take care of ourselves. Yes Master spoils and takes care of me, but ultimately in the end, it'll just be me. I learned that it's okay to stand up for myself when I feel I've been wronged. It's okay to tell others honestly how I feel, although perhaps that words I use should be a little more kind. I have learned that I shouldn't regret anything that I have done or said, because everything done has a reason and while I might not know that reason right this minute, it will be shown to me in time.

Master took Aggi up to Salt Lake City to see her grandmother as she is sick. I wanted to go, but school keeps me here. It was weird to actually cook my own dinner tonight, although I haven't tried it yet. Master pointed out when I talked to him on the phone that he and Melissa have never been away from me for more than a few hours, so it's awkward for them to be gone.

I just tried my dinner and it was very yummy. The onions were a little greasy, but I have to learn how to cook them.

Well it's time to go to the store and pick up a few items I want.

Rich's kari

School Issues

It's been awhile since I have posted, so I think it's time that I do. I'm in enough trouble as it is with Master. Since school started, I think I have made it to my classes for a week and that's it. I take the girls to school in the morning, then I get to a stop sign and I can go two ways, left or right. Left takes me to school, right takes me home and all week I have gone right. Master isn't too happy with me, but I don't think that he understands what I'm going through. The thought of going to class makes me nausea's, I get all sweaty and just can't go. Today I talked to Master about dropping all of my classes and taking the semester off, his answer was "Don't give up," but in some ways I already have. My head just isn't in the school mode, I just plain 'ole don't care. My anxiety is through the roof, but taking something for it during the day just knocks me out, so how is that helpful?

I did meet with one of my professors today and he thinks that I should hang in there with my theory class, so I will. It's a lot of work for me, because I struggled so much last semester, that the review we are doing isn't really helping me. I'm hoping that by working really hard to understand it here at home that it will click and I'll be able to pull a decent grade out of it. My GPA is at a good spot and I don't want that to drop. I worked my ass off last semester to earn what I did.

I have been practicing the flute and piano more. I'm loving my piano lessons, I even love my piano teacher, she's pretty awesome. I'm hoping that I can pass the proficiency test before too much longer, as I just want to be done with piano. I know that I will have to take flute lessons until I graduate, but perhaps once I'm done with the proficiency test, then I can just take piano for fun.

I have to get my head back into school mode, otherwise I'm going to fail this semester.

Small Update

I am so totally out of the blogging routine, I'm struggling as I just don't want to do it, but I know that it's a requirement, so here I am. So much has happened since I left before Christmas. The vacation was nice on some ends and horrible on other ends.

My parents had some fights or rather fights everyday. Dad was constantly accusing mom of cheating on him. It was awful. One day Aggi and I hid our room all day. They fought about many other things. We all suspect that my dad has some mental health problems like I do, although he will never admit it.

I got to see my brother J on Christmas Day. I miss him so much, one night he called and we must have talked for like 35 minutes about tv shows, it was so awesome. I really hope that once he's out of jail he will turn his life around, like I did when I moved to Utah, but who knows what he'll do. Kind of hard to have faith in him when he's failed so many times, but I guess others probably said that about me 5 years ago.

We drive the car home that my parents gave me. The weather was bad in some parts and I was having panic attacks while Master was driving, which I know didn't help him any. I wish that I could have just closed my eyes and gone to sleep, but I was too nervous.

There is so much more to write about, but my brain is about to turn into much, so that's it for now.

Rich's kari

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was analyzing how I feel about being a slave. I often struggle with being Masters wife and slave, it's like the lines blur. I was talking to a friend the other night who was talking about how she found a website about being a slave and her new Master says that it will be close to the list of things. So I was thinking, if I don't meet every requirement on the list, does that make me less of a slave?

I already know the answer, it doesn't make me less of a slave, but that doesn't stop me from analyzing it. And please I don't want comments to reassure me of the fact that I'm a good slave and such. Master tells me all the time, that I'm the slave that he wants. So why does this bother me so much? I think it's because I don't do the things that other slaves I know do. Because of our daughter we say we live the live 24/7, but it's hard. Then I started analyzing the fact that there are other slaves I know that have kids and they make it work, so how come we can't? I know that every situation is different, but I have been the one to think that if so and so can do it, so can I.

I often think about having a sister slave, but then I realize that it probably won't happen and that makes me sad. Why do I say that it will never happen? Because of Master's issue to not be able to have sex. I'm ok with it, I used to not be, but I love him and he has taught me that being intimate doesn't require intercourse. I used to think that if someone had sex with me that they loved me, but boy was I wrong about that.

On New Years day, I wrote a pledge to Master and while I post almost everything here in my journal, it's something special between him and I and I think I want to keep it that way, unless he tells me that he wants me to share it here. My attitude towards my slavery has changed drastically. I'm relearning the basics, like not to question, how to be respectful, and so on. I sometimes think that going back to the beginning is the best thing to do and in this case, it's really helping me. I know that I will never fit into a perfect slave mold, as there isn't one, but I will be the perfect slave for Master, whatever that may be.

Rich's kari