All my life, I thought that the following equation was true -
Sex = Love
If I had sex with someone, it meant that they loved me, since I so wanted to be loved, I sought out having sex with many different men. The other night I was talking to Master about one of nieces who might come live with us, being overly active, and I told him that at one time I was. I remember when I live in Missouri, having sex in the mental hospital with a guy that I liked and he liked me. The way they had the rooms separated was that men were on one side on the building and women on the other, how he got to my room without getting caught is a mystery to me. We even dated after we were both released. But alas, that's not the point.
The conversation with Master morphed into how could be judge someone who has sex with many people, when he and I swing. My defenses went up, because Master and I are in a committed relationship and choose to have multiple partners. We do it as safe as we can, yes I know that there is no 100% safe way. Master asked me what the difference was between him and I swinging and his niece having multiple sex partners? My answer was that he and I are both adults who know that swinging is something that we want in our lives. His niece Chelise is 20 and in my opinion she's using sex to fulfill some sort of deep need inside of her. I can relate, I've been there, but what do you say to a 20 year old, who is going to live her life the way she wants? When I was 20 it didn't matter what anyone said to me, I wasn't listening, I did what I wanted, when I wanted and that was that.
Going further she wants a baby. She had twins, but something happened right after they were born and they passed away. I've never had any of my own kids, so obviously never lost any, so I can't relate, but I think that she might think that if she has another baby that it will fill the void from losing her twins. So again, how do you help a 20 year old understand that sex and a baby can't fill some sort of need she's looking for, because I suspect that she is similar to me, in thinking that both of those are going to mean she's loved.
Whether she comes to live with us is up in the air, as she was supposed to talk with us yesterday, but we haven't heard from her. Master laid down the rules to her on the phone and I think that she wanted to come here live her life the way she wanted and that's not gonna happen here. Yes she is an adult, but if you are going to live under our roof, you play by our rules.
~*~
The other night I was watching the discovery channel and it was about three obese women having babies. Half way through the show I was in tears, so I went to talk to Master in his office and he asked me what was wrong. I want a baby, despite the fact that I know I can't have any. Master says that we can always do invetro, but if the baby is any part of me biologically we take the risk of her/him having a mental illness and I won't do that to a child. I have struggled way too much in my life because of my mental illness and I wouldn't want that for our child. Master and I decided before we got married that we weren't going to have any children. At the time Aggi was 12 and the thought of starting over with a newborn was scary and now the idea just doesn't make sense for us. We enjoy the little freedom we have with her being 16 and look forward to when she's out of the house. Don't get me wrong, she can stay with us as long as she wants and also to those that start over after their child is 18 or over, I mean no disrespect it's just not for us.
But, it doesn't take the ache away. I borrow my friends kids and that helps for a little bit. It's tough for me, because I know that by us not having of our own kids is the right thing for us, just doesn't stop those feelings. We have talked about foster care and maybe one day we will, but that aspect scares me, because we can get attached and then lose the child. Adoption is also another option, but in the end I don't think we will. I think that once Aggi is out of the house and on her own we will settle into the lifestyle that we want.
~*~
I wanted to talk about sex between Master and I will, but this post morphed into something totally different, so I will right about the sex later.
Rich's kari
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Fetishes & Reflections
A couple weeks ago I was asked about my fetishes, so I thought I would do a post of them.
I'm a pain slut. I love when Master pushes me with pain, although I know that it's a struggle for him, as he has always said he loves me too much to hurt me. Putting pain aside for the moment I think one of weirdest fetishes is being tickled. I don't think you could find a spot on my body that wasn't ticklish. I would probably choose being tickled over being flogged or spanked any day. Yes, I am weird.
Nipple play. Oh my! I have very sensitive nipples, I can have an orgasm by just having them teased and it gives me the shivers thinking about it now. Yum! I love nipple clamps, close pins, chip clips, or whatever else. I want to try alligator clips, but in that aspect I'm a chicken shit, as they look scary.
We have a wonderful suede flogger that we bought shortly after we got married and it's a wonderful toy and I could get lost once Master starts using it on me. I'm a big fan of the single tail. I have a big fetish for thuddy toys, I'm not really a fan of the stingy ones. The thud of a cane just makes me all hot and bothered.
As I'm writing this I'm thinking of something that I was reading about on another friends journal.
~*~
Humiliation. I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy being humiliated, but why? That's what's eating at me. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't understand why I get off being humiliated. There have been many times when we have gone to the clubs, I have been given a quota of how many men I must pursue and going up to random men asking them to fuck me or if I can get them off is humiliating for me, but damn does it get my juices flowing. At the clubs, I hate walking around naked, as I don't particularly feel comfy in my naked self in public, but it's something Master has me do, that to me is a form of humiliation. I think the other reason why I enjoy the humiliation is because he enjoys it, which in the end that's all should matter, right?
Sadly in most cases that's not the way it works in my brain. I'm the type of person that thinks everything thing I feel there has to be a reason why I feel that way. As I think about humiliation more, I'm sure there will be more posts on it.
~*~
I was given the task to find a new flute for my schooling that starts on Monday. I found a lovely instrument, fell in love with it, and wanted it so bad. Master however felt that we should do some research and it really irritated me. He gave me a task, I did it, then it all changed. I learned or rather am still learning the lesson of just because I want something to be a certain doesn't mean that he will want the same thing. In our lives, me being his slave, I have to remember that it's to be done his way. For me it always comes back to blind obedience, just doing as told. I've never been wired that way, well I have been, but before Master I was used to living my life the way I wanted. It often bugs me that after 5 years of being Masters I still struggle with the just obeying. I know better than to argue, yet I often find myself arguing with him, only to have him say stop or wag his finger at me, then my brain remembers, it's to be done his way.
There are times that I compare myself to others, those that don't struggle with behaving, because they know better or their Master's won't tolerate it and I think to myself why can't I be like them? It seems that all my life I've been constantly comparing myself to others, but lately it's just in the area of me being a slave. I need to figure out a way to accept the type of slave I am and remind myself that Master likes me as the slave I am or he would make the changes, because trust me, he has made major changes in me since he collared me. I've been withdrawn the past few days because I feel like I'm letting him down in not being what other slaves are. Yes again I know that I need to stop comparing myself to others, but I can't, it's just me. I think about would he rather have a slave that does everything he says without question? Sadly, I don't think that will ever be me.
What I need to do is trust that Master is happy with me. I will keep working on that.
Rich's kari
I'm a pain slut. I love when Master pushes me with pain, although I know that it's a struggle for him, as he has always said he loves me too much to hurt me. Putting pain aside for the moment I think one of weirdest fetishes is being tickled. I don't think you could find a spot on my body that wasn't ticklish. I would probably choose being tickled over being flogged or spanked any day. Yes, I am weird.
Nipple play. Oh my! I have very sensitive nipples, I can have an orgasm by just having them teased and it gives me the shivers thinking about it now. Yum! I love nipple clamps, close pins, chip clips, or whatever else. I want to try alligator clips, but in that aspect I'm a chicken shit, as they look scary.
We have a wonderful suede flogger that we bought shortly after we got married and it's a wonderful toy and I could get lost once Master starts using it on me. I'm a big fan of the single tail. I have a big fetish for thuddy toys, I'm not really a fan of the stingy ones. The thud of a cane just makes me all hot and bothered.
As I'm writing this I'm thinking of something that I was reading about on another friends journal.
~*~
Humiliation. I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy being humiliated, but why? That's what's eating at me. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't understand why I get off being humiliated. There have been many times when we have gone to the clubs, I have been given a quota of how many men I must pursue and going up to random men asking them to fuck me or if I can get them off is humiliating for me, but damn does it get my juices flowing. At the clubs, I hate walking around naked, as I don't particularly feel comfy in my naked self in public, but it's something Master has me do, that to me is a form of humiliation. I think the other reason why I enjoy the humiliation is because he enjoys it, which in the end that's all should matter, right?
Sadly in most cases that's not the way it works in my brain. I'm the type of person that thinks everything thing I feel there has to be a reason why I feel that way. As I think about humiliation more, I'm sure there will be more posts on it.
~*~
I was given the task to find a new flute for my schooling that starts on Monday. I found a lovely instrument, fell in love with it, and wanted it so bad. Master however felt that we should do some research and it really irritated me. He gave me a task, I did it, then it all changed. I learned or rather am still learning the lesson of just because I want something to be a certain doesn't mean that he will want the same thing. In our lives, me being his slave, I have to remember that it's to be done his way. For me it always comes back to blind obedience, just doing as told. I've never been wired that way, well I have been, but before Master I was used to living my life the way I wanted. It often bugs me that after 5 years of being Masters I still struggle with the just obeying. I know better than to argue, yet I often find myself arguing with him, only to have him say stop or wag his finger at me, then my brain remembers, it's to be done his way.
There are times that I compare myself to others, those that don't struggle with behaving, because they know better or their Master's won't tolerate it and I think to myself why can't I be like them? It seems that all my life I've been constantly comparing myself to others, but lately it's just in the area of me being a slave. I need to figure out a way to accept the type of slave I am and remind myself that Master likes me as the slave I am or he would make the changes, because trust me, he has made major changes in me since he collared me. I've been withdrawn the past few days because I feel like I'm letting him down in not being what other slaves are. Yes again I know that I need to stop comparing myself to others, but I can't, it's just me. I think about would he rather have a slave that does everything he says without question? Sadly, I don't think that will ever be me.
What I need to do is trust that Master is happy with me. I will keep working on that.
Rich's kari
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Emotional Release
I knew that once it was just Master and I in the house, I would get my punishment. Master had to take a toddlers bed over to our friends house, so He had me get out the restraints, four spanking tools, and some bungee cords. I had asked Him last night when we talked about the punishment to restrain me, because it's been awhile and if my hands are free, I'm all over the bed. Telling me to stay still doesn't work, although I'm sure He could train me to stay still, I had an owner that did that, it was a hard lesson to learn, one that I have obviously unlearned. :)
He put the cuffs on me, hooked the bungee cords through the loops, and around one of the bed posts. He didn't start soft like He normally does, which was nice, well not really nice, but I didn't want Him to take it easy on me. I think about 6 whacks into it I was crying or rather sobbing. I really broke down, with each stroke came more tears. Master was very comforting by placing His hand in the middle of my back, letting me know that He was right there, still giving each stroke, but in His way letting me know that it was okay to fall to pieces. At the end I was a puddle, but not a nice-warm-gooey feeling puddle. I felt like so many emotions had come out of me. Every single day I go around pretending to be this strong, confident, happy, go lucky girl, but I'm not.
So the punishment is done. But something else happened tonight. After the punishment Master sat on the bed and talked to me or rather with me. I was able to open up to Him, sharing that I've been depressed, I'm feeling useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive. Master reassured me that He loves, wants, desires, and cherishes me. Trust me, I know all of that, but hearing it was good for me. I told Him that I wanted someone to be proud of me, He said that He has told me He is, but underneath it all, it wasn't about me wanting Him to be proud of me, it's about my father. Master plays the daddy role as well, so sometimes I pass my feelings towards my father onto Master, getting the lines all blurred, so it takes a complete meltdown for it all to be made right. Not sure if I explained that very well.
I also confessed that I hate the fact that I can't work, His response was that not all people were meant to work. So of course I brought up well then why do I keep going to school, His response was that perhaps my skills from going to school were going to be put to use in another way. He made sense. By the time I get my Bachelor's maybe I will be well enough to be off of disability and able to teach or something. Sadly, I know that the reality of me being off disability isn't going to happen, but perhaps I can teach private lessons or something. I wish I could say that in time my schitzoaffective disorder will go away, but umm no, not going to happen. The psychiatrist says that maybe I can go off some of my anti-depressants, but as long as I have hallucinations, I'll be on anti-pyschotics. And that's ok. I am who I am because of my mental disabilities, I accepted that a long long time ago. In breaking down today, I learned that I need to communicate more with Master and that I need to go see my therapist. Imagine that!
I'm feeling better now, more centered and secure in that I belong to Master. That I'm His, no matter how much I screw up, forget chores, snap at Him, and many other things. I really needed that from Him tonight, the reconnection. I can't promise that I'm going to be the perfect slave from today on out, but I can say that I am feeling closer to Master, that I'm going to put my best foot forward and be all that I can be for Him.
I love Him. I am proud to be owned by Him. I also need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to be super-slave, I can ask for help with chores and I NEED to lean on Master when I'm struggling.
Rich's kari
He put the cuffs on me, hooked the bungee cords through the loops, and around one of the bed posts. He didn't start soft like He normally does, which was nice, well not really nice, but I didn't want Him to take it easy on me. I think about 6 whacks into it I was crying or rather sobbing. I really broke down, with each stroke came more tears. Master was very comforting by placing His hand in the middle of my back, letting me know that He was right there, still giving each stroke, but in His way letting me know that it was okay to fall to pieces. At the end I was a puddle, but not a nice-warm-gooey feeling puddle. I felt like so many emotions had come out of me. Every single day I go around pretending to be this strong, confident, happy, go lucky girl, but I'm not.
So the punishment is done. But something else happened tonight. After the punishment Master sat on the bed and talked to me or rather with me. I was able to open up to Him, sharing that I've been depressed, I'm feeling useless, worthless, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive. Master reassured me that He loves, wants, desires, and cherishes me. Trust me, I know all of that, but hearing it was good for me. I told Him that I wanted someone to be proud of me, He said that He has told me He is, but underneath it all, it wasn't about me wanting Him to be proud of me, it's about my father. Master plays the daddy role as well, so sometimes I pass my feelings towards my father onto Master, getting the lines all blurred, so it takes a complete meltdown for it all to be made right. Not sure if I explained that very well.
I also confessed that I hate the fact that I can't work, His response was that not all people were meant to work. So of course I brought up well then why do I keep going to school, His response was that perhaps my skills from going to school were going to be put to use in another way. He made sense. By the time I get my Bachelor's maybe I will be well enough to be off of disability and able to teach or something. Sadly, I know that the reality of me being off disability isn't going to happen, but perhaps I can teach private lessons or something. I wish I could say that in time my schitzoaffective disorder will go away, but umm no, not going to happen. The psychiatrist says that maybe I can go off some of my anti-depressants, but as long as I have hallucinations, I'll be on anti-pyschotics. And that's ok. I am who I am because of my mental disabilities, I accepted that a long long time ago. In breaking down today, I learned that I need to communicate more with Master and that I need to go see my therapist. Imagine that!
I'm feeling better now, more centered and secure in that I belong to Master. That I'm His, no matter how much I screw up, forget chores, snap at Him, and many other things. I really needed that from Him tonight, the reconnection. I can't promise that I'm going to be the perfect slave from today on out, but I can say that I am feeling closer to Master, that I'm going to put my best foot forward and be all that I can be for Him.
I love Him. I am proud to be owned by Him. I also need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to be super-slave, I can ask for help with chores and I NEED to lean on Master when I'm struggling.
Rich's kari
I'm a Crab!
Okay, so I took care of facebook, my exes mom and my ex friend can no longer be seen on my page. Go me! That should relieve some stress. I'm thinking positive.
I wanna talk about chores. I've been trying to catch up on them and it's semi working, as I have neglected them for so long, that there of course is so much extra to do. Last night I exploded, well not as bad as I have in the past. Our daughter Aggi has chores, some of her chores effect mine, if she didn't put the dishes away, then I can't wash anymore or reload the dishwasher. Yes I know some are probably thinking, well why does she have to help at all, you are the slave. Indeed I am, but Aggi has to help around the house. So last night, I had to remind her to take out the trash, then remind her to put bags back in the can, so I was irritated. I went to start the dishes and of course the dishwasher was full, so I started putting them away, she heard me and comes away from her computer and says, "Oh do you want me to do those?" I told her no, I was already doing them and I was tired of waiting on her to get my chores done.
I don't think she was very happy with me last night and I honestly don't care, she needed to be told she's been slacking and it's not acceptable. I'm sick of the teenage attitude that she has and yeah I know that she's gonna have to awhile longer. On the other side of things, I feel bad. I'm the parent that enforces the rules, makes sure she is doing the chores that need to be done, and just plain 'ole taking care of her, which is fine with me. But there are sometimes where I wish Master would step in and help me with it - ok wait. I'm not saying that He doesn't do His share of staying on top of her chores and such, but since I'm the stay-at-home slave, I do most of the child watching.
I believe our house can be run very smoothly if everyone does their share and we are slowly working on getting that back under control. I am hoping that by the time I start school, I'll have a system down for chores and such.
Well, I think I'm gonna go nap. I should have a punishment recap post later tonight.
Rich's kari
I wanna talk about chores. I've been trying to catch up on them and it's semi working, as I have neglected them for so long, that there of course is so much extra to do. Last night I exploded, well not as bad as I have in the past. Our daughter Aggi has chores, some of her chores effect mine, if she didn't put the dishes away, then I can't wash anymore or reload the dishwasher. Yes I know some are probably thinking, well why does she have to help at all, you are the slave. Indeed I am, but Aggi has to help around the house. So last night, I had to remind her to take out the trash, then remind her to put bags back in the can, so I was irritated. I went to start the dishes and of course the dishwasher was full, so I started putting them away, she heard me and comes away from her computer and says, "Oh do you want me to do those?" I told her no, I was already doing them and I was tired of waiting on her to get my chores done.
I don't think she was very happy with me last night and I honestly don't care, she needed to be told she's been slacking and it's not acceptable. I'm sick of the teenage attitude that she has and yeah I know that she's gonna have to awhile longer. On the other side of things, I feel bad. I'm the parent that enforces the rules, makes sure she is doing the chores that need to be done, and just plain 'ole taking care of her, which is fine with me. But there are sometimes where I wish Master would step in and help me with it - ok wait. I'm not saying that He doesn't do His share of staying on top of her chores and such, but since I'm the stay-at-home slave, I do most of the child watching.
I believe our house can be run very smoothly if everyone does their share and we are slowly working on getting that back under control. I am hoping that by the time I start school, I'll have a system down for chores and such.
Well, I think I'm gonna go nap. I should have a punishment recap post later tonight.
Rich's kari
Let It Go
When it comes to friendships, I put myself in the worst friend category, but it's not because I'm a bad friend, it's because of my qualities or rather lack of qualities. I could write a list of all the "social" disabilities that I have, but what's the point, let's just say that when it comes to being social, I so suck at it. I screwed up a friendship awhile back, am SO glad it's OVER, but it's still awkward. I see the person on my facebook and I can't help but comment on her status. I drives me crazy, because my brain is screaming, "You stupid idiot, she screwed you over, don't give her the time of day." And I shouldn't. Another friend says "Take her off your friends list on facebook," which I could do, but then that would let her know that I'm no longer following her.
Oh wait, light bulb moment, facebook has a feature where I can hide her entries. Ha!! I'm so smart.
Not only do I have problems with friendships, I have problems with letting go of exes. Okay, no that's not the right wording, I have trouble of letting go of the stuff that happened between us. My daughter Aggi has a cousin who is an abusive relationship, it's been determined that she wants to leave her husband, just doesn't know quite how to do it, as he says all the things that make her think she won't stand a chance on her own. I've heard them all -
"You don't make enough money to support youself"
"I'll kill myself because I can't live without you"
"You need me"
Of course there are many more that I heard in my abusive relationship, but I can't think of them right now. I'm supposed to talk to this girl, she's actually almost 21. I'm scared. What if I say the wrong thing to her? I'm very strong in my beliefs when it comes to abusive relationships, because it's not easy to leave. I left my ex 5 times and every time I ended right back with him, because I wasn't ready. You have to be ready. You could move to Australia and if you aren't ready, you will be back with the guy in a matter of months. Being ready in my opinion is the key. My ex once told me something that I believe is very true.
"If you run away from your problems before resolving them, you will end up right back where you started."
That might not be true for everyone, but it is for me. I want this girl to be able to live a happy life, but I also want her to know that it's not easy to get up, leave someone who you love, are comfortable with, move several hundred miles, and start a new life. I did that 5 years ago and I know that if I had to go back and do it again, I would do the exact same things, but I know that I would be terrified.
~*~
The icon says - "All I know is that I tried, and I tried to make it alright."
In the case of my friendship with Andrea, who is the first person I talked about I did all I could to make it work and I have to find some way to let her go. I need to stop worrying and thinking about her. I need to stop wanting to hang out with her. I need to just let it all go, but how? Because while I know that we can NEVER be friends again, I can't let her go.
Same thing with my ex. Let me clarify that I have no contact with him at all. I do talk with his mom through facebook and that's probably why I still think of him.
~*~
Ya know, I am going to cut this short so that I can go fix some things on facebook, but a question first.
Anyone have suggestions how to get the thoughts of people out of your head?
Rich's kari
Oh wait, light bulb moment, facebook has a feature where I can hide her entries. Ha!! I'm so smart.
Not only do I have problems with friendships, I have problems with letting go of exes. Okay, no that's not the right wording, I have trouble of letting go of the stuff that happened between us. My daughter Aggi has a cousin who is an abusive relationship, it's been determined that she wants to leave her husband, just doesn't know quite how to do it, as he says all the things that make her think she won't stand a chance on her own. I've heard them all -
"You don't make enough money to support youself"
"I'll kill myself because I can't live without you"
"You need me"
Of course there are many more that I heard in my abusive relationship, but I can't think of them right now. I'm supposed to talk to this girl, she's actually almost 21. I'm scared. What if I say the wrong thing to her? I'm very strong in my beliefs when it comes to abusive relationships, because it's not easy to leave. I left my ex 5 times and every time I ended right back with him, because I wasn't ready. You have to be ready. You could move to Australia and if you aren't ready, you will be back with the guy in a matter of months. Being ready in my opinion is the key. My ex once told me something that I believe is very true.
"If you run away from your problems before resolving them, you will end up right back where you started."
That might not be true for everyone, but it is for me. I want this girl to be able to live a happy life, but I also want her to know that it's not easy to get up, leave someone who you love, are comfortable with, move several hundred miles, and start a new life. I did that 5 years ago and I know that if I had to go back and do it again, I would do the exact same things, but I know that I would be terrified.
~*~
The icon says - "All I know is that I tried, and I tried to make it alright."
In the case of my friendship with Andrea, who is the first person I talked about I did all I could to make it work and I have to find some way to let her go. I need to stop worrying and thinking about her. I need to stop wanting to hang out with her. I need to just let it all go, but how? Because while I know that we can NEVER be friends again, I can't let her go.
Same thing with my ex. Let me clarify that I have no contact with him at all. I do talk with his mom through facebook and that's probably why I still think of him.
~*~
Ya know, I am going to cut this short so that I can go fix some things on facebook, but a question first.
Anyone have suggestions how to get the thoughts of people out of your head?
Rich's kari
Punishment Points/Relearning To Be His
25 outstanding points which will be taken care of tomorrow (Friday).
15 to 20 new points added today will be taken care of on Saturday. More could be added if chores aren't taken care of tomorrow.
NOTE TO KARI - DO YOUR CHORES!!!
It's been awhile since He's been strict and I'm not quite use to it yet. When He tells me to do something, I want to argue, shrug it off, plain 'ole ignore it, or tell Him to do it Himself, but I know better. I know that when it's just Him and I in the house, He could choose to punish me anytime He wants. For the last few months, I've gotten away with not doing the laundry, dishes, keeping the house picked up, practicing my music, and making sure that anything He might need get done. I've just been floating in my own little world and last night when He and I were talking, He mentioned punishment that was going to happen today and that He was going to be strict again, my jaw hit the floor.
I've always said that I want Him to be strict, I need the rules, that being His is what I want, so then why does this scare me so much? I think it's because I know He's serious. He means business and for some reason, deep inside me I know not to cross Him this time. I have relearn being His. I have to reteach myself to do as told, no questions ask, to trust Him when He says jump. To not argue. That's a hard one for me, but I have to restrain myself.
Obviously, I haven't been the ideal slave, but I'm going to try and change that, because I know that this is what I want and that I made this commitment to Him 5 years ago and there is no option to be released, unless He seems fit to release me.
Hopefully He'll be patient with me, so hopefully if He gives me an inch, I won't take advantage and try to take a mile.
Rich's kari
15 to 20 new points added today will be taken care of on Saturday. More could be added if chores aren't taken care of tomorrow.
NOTE TO KARI - DO YOUR CHORES!!!
It's been awhile since He's been strict and I'm not quite use to it yet. When He tells me to do something, I want to argue, shrug it off, plain 'ole ignore it, or tell Him to do it Himself, but I know better. I know that when it's just Him and I in the house, He could choose to punish me anytime He wants. For the last few months, I've gotten away with not doing the laundry, dishes, keeping the house picked up, practicing my music, and making sure that anything He might need get done. I've just been floating in my own little world and last night when He and I were talking, He mentioned punishment that was going to happen today and that He was going to be strict again, my jaw hit the floor.
I've always said that I want Him to be strict, I need the rules, that being His is what I want, so then why does this scare me so much? I think it's because I know He's serious. He means business and for some reason, deep inside me I know not to cross Him this time. I have relearn being His. I have to reteach myself to do as told, no questions ask, to trust Him when He says jump. To not argue. That's a hard one for me, but I have to restrain myself.
Obviously, I haven't been the ideal slave, but I'm going to try and change that, because I know that this is what I want and that I made this commitment to Him 5 years ago and there is no option to be released, unless He seems fit to release me.
Hopefully He'll be patient with me, so hopefully if He gives me an inch, I won't take advantage and try to take a mile.
Rich's kari
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Foggy
On Tuesday I went to the dentist, he smoothed out whatever was wrong, stichted me up, gave me an anti-botic, more pain pills, and sent me on my merry way. I got home and I was in tears, Master just held me for a little. He called the dentist to see if I could take more than one pain pill at a time, they said sure, so that knocked me out. Woke up, still in pain, so I went to instacare to see if they would take an x-ray as a friend suggested that it could be a hair line facture, something more than jus the tooth. The doctor said not likely, but I see you are in a lot of pain, then talked about putting me on a stronger anti-botic. Wednesday I was feeling better, slept most of the day, then started running a little bit of a fever. Took a pain pill and had some food that didn't have to be chewed. I told Aggi that I should try a Mac n Cheese smoothy. She said yuck! So did Master in fact.
It's now early Thursday and I am just now getting sleepy. I have so many posts in my head, just everything is a blur from the pain meds, so perhaps I'll sort it all out tomorrow.
Rich's kari
It's now early Thursday and I am just now getting sleepy. I have so many posts in my head, just everything is a blur from the pain meds, so perhaps I'll sort it all out tomorrow.
Rich's kari
Monday, August 3, 2009
Nipple Irritation
Despite the pain of my tooth, I have been horny. I've been horny for the last few months in fact. But every time Master goes for my nipples I turn away, not because I'm not interested, but because having my nipples played with, touched, rubbed between His fingers makes me cringe in pain, perhaps it's not pain, but like annoyance, I'm not sure how to explain it. When he starts it, my mind goes back to times with an ex, it's like Master is doing the same tweaking and stuff that my ex did. How do I explain that to Master without Him thinking that He should just leave my nipples alone? It's to the point of if He plays with my nipples the way He has been, I well up with tears, heck just thinking about it I'm welling up with tears. Ugh! It's frustrating because I can't figure out what's going on with my nipples. They have always been sensitive, in fact too sensitive, so maybe that's why. Perhaps the sensitivity is causing irritation and annoyance in my brain.
Am I making any sense to anyone? If He puts clamps on them right away, when they come off, and He plays with my nipples I'm okay. I'm also not sure why I'm afraid to talk to Him about this. The only reason I can think of is that I don't know how to explain it so that He understands.
I'm really emotional today, I blame it on taking pain pills. I feel like I'm in a daze and just plain 'ole out of it. I'm headed back to the couch.
Rich's kari
Am I making any sense to anyone? If He puts clamps on them right away, when they come off, and He plays with my nipples I'm okay. I'm also not sure why I'm afraid to talk to Him about this. The only reason I can think of is that I don't know how to explain it so that He understands.
I'm really emotional today, I blame it on taking pain pills. I feel like I'm in a daze and just plain 'ole out of it. I'm headed back to the couch.
Rich's kari
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Pain Tolerance
I have a high pain tolerance, except when it comes to teeth. About a month ago, I had a tooth pulled, it's been tender, but otherwise alright. Last week on Tuesday, it started hurting, there was a lump that felt like it had bone in it, so I went in on Thursday, it did, they took it out, and all was good. Or it was supposed to be good. He had me come back in on Friday to make sure it was smooth and he had gotten it all and he had. Then yesterday it started hurting again and guess what there is more bone. Ugh! So I called the after hours line, he's out of town till Monday, so I can't see him till Tuesday and I am in more pain than I have ever been, it is worse than my kidney stones.
So I'm living on pain killers right now and it pisses me off, because I have so much crap that needs to be done. My office needs to be put back together, hopefully that will happen soon.
Well, I'm headed back to the couch for a little bit.
Rich's kari
So I'm living on pain killers right now and it pisses me off, because I have so much crap that needs to be done. My office needs to be put back together, hopefully that will happen soon.
Well, I'm headed back to the couch for a little bit.
Rich's kari
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