Fetishes & Reflections

A couple weeks ago I was asked about my fetishes, so I thought I would do a post of them.

I'm a pain slut. I love when Master pushes me with pain, although I know that it's a struggle for him, as he has always said he loves me too much to hurt me. Putting pain aside for the moment I think one of weirdest fetishes is being tickled. I don't think you could find a spot on my body that wasn't ticklish. I would probably choose being tickled over being flogged or spanked any day. Yes, I am weird.

Nipple play. Oh my! I have very sensitive nipples, I can have an orgasm by just having them teased and it gives me the shivers thinking about it now. Yum! I love nipple clamps, close pins, chip clips, or whatever else. I want to try alligator clips, but in that aspect I'm a chicken shit, as they look scary.

We have a wonderful suede flogger that we bought shortly after we got married and it's a wonderful toy and I could get lost once Master starts using it on me. I'm a big fan of the single tail. I have a big fetish for thuddy toys, I'm not really a fan of the stingy ones. The thud of a cane just makes me all hot and bothered.

As I'm writing this I'm thinking of something that I was reading about on another friends journal.

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Humiliation. I'm ashamed to admit that I enjoy being humiliated, but why? That's what's eating at me. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't understand why I get off being humiliated. There have been many times when we have gone to the clubs, I have been given a quota of how many men I must pursue and going up to random men asking them to fuck me or if I can get them off is humiliating for me, but damn does it get my juices flowing. At the clubs, I hate walking around naked, as I don't particularly feel comfy in my naked self in public, but it's something Master has me do, that to me is a form of humiliation. I think the other reason why I enjoy the humiliation is because he enjoys it, which in the end that's all should matter, right?

Sadly in most cases that's not the way it works in my brain. I'm the type of person that thinks everything thing I feel there has to be a reason why I feel that way. As I think about humiliation more, I'm sure there will be more posts on it.

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I was given the task to find a new flute for my schooling that starts on Monday. I found a lovely instrument, fell in love with it, and wanted it so bad. Master however felt that we should do some research and it really irritated me. He gave me a task, I did it, then it all changed. I learned or rather am still learning the lesson of just because I want something to be a certain doesn't mean that he will want the same thing. In our lives, me being his slave, I have to remember that it's to be done his way. For me it always comes back to blind obedience, just doing as told. I've never been wired that way, well I have been, but before Master I was used to living my life the way I wanted. It often bugs me that after 5 years of being Masters I still struggle with the just obeying. I know better than to argue, yet I often find myself arguing with him, only to have him say stop or wag his finger at me, then my brain remembers, it's to be done his way.

There are times that I compare myself to others, those that don't struggle with behaving, because they know better or their Master's won't tolerate it and I think to myself why can't I be like them? It seems that all my life I've been constantly comparing myself to others, but lately it's just in the area of me being a slave. I need to figure out a way to accept the type of slave I am and remind myself that Master likes me as the slave I am or he would make the changes, because trust me, he has made major changes in me since he collared me. I've been withdrawn the past few days because I feel like I'm letting him down in not being what other slaves are. Yes again I know that I need to stop comparing myself to others, but I can't, it's just me. I think about would he rather have a slave that does everything he says without question? Sadly, I don't think that will ever be me.

What I need to do is trust that Master is happy with me. I will keep working on that.

Rich's kari