Fears

I've been dealing with a lot of mood swings lately. A couple days ago I was happy as can be and yesterday I was laying on the bed in tears. Master was laying next to me trying to help me figure out what was wrong, I told Him that I was just depressed, but after thinking about it, I think I figured it out or at least some of it.

Obviously part of it was about the doctors appointment I had yesterday. Even though I have heard all the speeches a bazillion times, there is fear that yes I could become diabetic. I watched my Grams die from it. I watch Master deal with it everyday, having to make sure His feet are getting good circulation and all the other stuff. It's scary to think that I could be that way soon, as the doctor said probably in 5 years. 5 years might seem like a long time, but boy does it go by fast.

There is more fear though.

I wanted so much to be able to work doing phone sex, I pushed really hard to get hired, and was so excited about it. Then I got hired, took one call, failed, and now I'm scared to sign back on. But it's not just signing on that scares me. I have a 16 year old in the house, it's not easy to take call without the fear that she will wake up and discover what I'm doing. So, the whole I sit in the office logged in, I listen for her or any noise for that matter and the one time the phone rang, I panicked for several reasons. One, it was my first call, and two, what if I was too loud and she heard? So now I am ready to sign back on, in fact I did while she was gone, because there was no risk of her figuring anything out, but now that she's back from her trip, the whole fear comes back.

Another fear is creative memories. I'm a consultant, have been for 4 years. I love it. I get to scrapbook and help others perserve their memories, plus I get to interact with people and that's a very good thing for me. But the fear is what happens when I start school. I'm gonna busier than heck and I'm supposed to factor creative memories in. Where is it going to fit? Am I going to be able to keep doing events? Can we keep affording to pour money into this when I'm not making any money in return? And if I have to, how do I walk away from something that I really enjoy doing and that is good for me?

The next fear is school. Everyone who has read me for any length of time knows that I struggle in school because of my learning disability. I'm a little more confident because I did earn my Associates Degree, that was a huge step for me. But now I'm moving on to a music major that is going to occupy probably more time than I have. I have to take private lessons and that scares the shit out of me. What if the instructor says that I suck or that I will never be good enough again to be a music major? Then what do I do? I wanna teach music more than anything I have ever wanted to do for a career, but I can't help but think of what happens if that is no longer and option. The last time we were in Colorado, I brought home all of the music that I had from the time I started playing till the time I stopped and as I was looking through it all, I discovered that I was really good when I got out of high school. Looking through the music gave me the feeling that yes at one time I could do it, so could I do it again? The possibility is there, I know it is. It's just going to take a lot of work and that's scary, because the first time I went to college I was a music major, but I changed my major because I felt that I wasn't dedicated enough to music that I could practice as much as I needed to. Now I'm in the same boat. I should be practicing every day, do I though? Nope, I sure don't.

Now we can move onto the fear of money. Master tells me not to worry that He will take care of everything and we will be fine, but how can I not worry? I wish Him giving me an order to not stress would work, but alas it doesn't. I thought that doing the phone sex job would bring money in, but since it's hard to sign on for multiple reasons, I'm not making any money. At this point there is no point in finding a job outside the house because school will be starting soon, so I would have to quit and that wouldn't be good for my resume. I'll also have Aggi to worry about once school starts, as she's going to be active in school plays and choir groups, and since she can't drive, I get to play taxi. I don't really mind, because I want her to have the best high school experience that she can, but I do wish she could drive.

Driving. The car might not pass inspection in August. Ugh! That could create a bunch of problems. My parents called me a few days ago, said they were going to buy a new car and they would give us the one the have now, if we wanted it. Hell yes we want it. I asked how much they wanted for it and they said nothing, it would be a birthday and Christmas present, probably for the rest of my life and that's ok. Them giving us their car will help us so much, because we won't have to worry about what needs to be done to get the other car through inspection. Now it's just a matter of time in waiting to see when they are going to go buy their new car. My dad keeps changing his mind on when they are going to go get it, but I think it will be this weekend. We shall see though.

Vacation. One would think vacation is something that I would be looking forward to and I am, but I'm stressing about money to pay for the trip, what to pack, what we will do all the days we are gone, will we have a good time, will Master and I fight like we do sometimes on a trip, will Aggi drive Master and I absolutely crazy? See how my mind can go crazy with over analyzing things at times? It drives me crazy! Once we leave town, I will relax and get into the vacation mode. I'm excited to go to Seaworld and see all the water creatures. I love water creatures, I wish I could go swimming with them. At one point in my life I wanted to be a marine biologist so that I could go swimming with them, but that didn't happen and now I don't want to go through all the science and math classes, as both of those subjects give me a headache!

Wow! I feel lots better now that I have gotten a lot of my fears out of my system. Journaling has showed me that it's very therapeutic for me and the reason Master has me journal every day is supposed to help me and here I sometimes avoid journalling. Silly girl I am!!

Rich's kari