On Tuesday I went to the dentist, he smoothed out whatever was wrong, stichted me up, gave me an anti-botic, more pain pills, and sent me on my merry way. I got home and I was in tears, Master just held me for a little. He called the dentist to see if I could take more than one pain pill at a time, they said sure, so that knocked me out. Woke up, still in pain, so I went to instacare to see if they would take an x-ray as a friend suggested that it could be a hair line facture, something more than jus the tooth. The doctor said not likely, but I see you are in a lot of pain, then talked about putting me on a stronger anti-botic. Wednesday I was feeling better, slept most of the day, then started running a little bit of a fever. Took a pain pill and had some food that didn't have to be chewed. I told Aggi that I should try a Mac n Cheese smoothy. She said yuck! So did Master in fact.
It's now early Thursday and I am just now getting sleepy. I have so many posts in my head, just everything is a blur from the pain meds, so perhaps I'll sort it all out tomorrow.
Rich's kari
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Nipple Irritation
Despite the pain of my tooth, I have been horny. I've been horny for the last few months in fact. But every time Master goes for my nipples I turn away, not because I'm not interested, but because having my nipples played with, touched, rubbed between His fingers makes me cringe in pain, perhaps it's not pain, but like annoyance, I'm not sure how to explain it. When he starts it, my mind goes back to times with an ex, it's like Master is doing the same tweaking and stuff that my ex did. How do I explain that to Master without Him thinking that He should just leave my nipples alone? It's to the point of if He plays with my nipples the way He has been, I well up with tears, heck just thinking about it I'm welling up with tears. Ugh! It's frustrating because I can't figure out what's going on with my nipples. They have always been sensitive, in fact too sensitive, so maybe that's why. Perhaps the sensitivity is causing irritation and annoyance in my brain.
Am I making any sense to anyone? If He puts clamps on them right away, when they come off, and He plays with my nipples I'm okay. I'm also not sure why I'm afraid to talk to Him about this. The only reason I can think of is that I don't know how to explain it so that He understands.
I'm really emotional today, I blame it on taking pain pills. I feel like I'm in a daze and just plain 'ole out of it. I'm headed back to the couch.
Rich's kari
Am I making any sense to anyone? If He puts clamps on them right away, when they come off, and He plays with my nipples I'm okay. I'm also not sure why I'm afraid to talk to Him about this. The only reason I can think of is that I don't know how to explain it so that He understands.
I'm really emotional today, I blame it on taking pain pills. I feel like I'm in a daze and just plain 'ole out of it. I'm headed back to the couch.
Rich's kari
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Pain Tolerance
I have a high pain tolerance, except when it comes to teeth. About a month ago, I had a tooth pulled, it's been tender, but otherwise alright. Last week on Tuesday, it started hurting, there was a lump that felt like it had bone in it, so I went in on Thursday, it did, they took it out, and all was good. Or it was supposed to be good. He had me come back in on Friday to make sure it was smooth and he had gotten it all and he had. Then yesterday it started hurting again and guess what there is more bone. Ugh! So I called the after hours line, he's out of town till Monday, so I can't see him till Tuesday and I am in more pain than I have ever been, it is worse than my kidney stones.
So I'm living on pain killers right now and it pisses me off, because I have so much crap that needs to be done. My office needs to be put back together, hopefully that will happen soon.
Well, I'm headed back to the couch for a little bit.
Rich's kari
So I'm living on pain killers right now and it pisses me off, because I have so much crap that needs to be done. My office needs to be put back together, hopefully that will happen soon.
Well, I'm headed back to the couch for a little bit.
Rich's kari
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sweet & Solid Love
Master and I talk a lot during the day on the cell phones. The Wednesday this is part of the conversation -
Kari - I miss you
Rich - I miss you too
Other than Him working, we aren't apart very much, but I do miss Him. I think that's the one thing that reminds me everyday that I'm so in love with Him. I think about Him constantly, when He's home I always want to be in the same room as Him, I just can't get enough of Him. Last night we both went to bed at the same time, which is completely a new thing for us and I just laid there watching Him breathe, just seeing how peaceful He is. I get all excited when I hear His ringtone on my cell phone. I love that He calls me just to tell me He loves me. I made the comment about Him calling me just to say I love you to my mom and she was like wow, "I wish your dad did that."
What makes this all funny to me, is that even after 5 years, I know that I love Him more than the day I married Him and I continue to fall in love with Him everyday. I asked Him the other day if He believed in soul mates, of course I already knew His answer, He's not sure, which makes since in my mind since He is searching for someone to join us in our poly relationship, I believe though that He is my soul mate, He is the one that I belong with and to. The road that we have traveled since I moved here as been a long road, but it has brought so many good things.
He makes me smile when I want to yell, throw something, curse, cry, or runaway. He comforts me when I need it. He gives me space, but stays somewhat close knowing that I might need Him quickly. There are times that I have a bad night, I'm so hesitant to wake Him up, but the times that I have instead of yelling at me, He's always helped me, heck He's done sleepless nights in order to help me through something. I love when we have tickle fights, when we argue about how the pictures seem uneven, but are measured to a T, how we chase each around the house playing catch me if you can, how we sit in the living room watching tv, and how we spend time with our wonderful daughter.
Our love isn't perfect. We fight, scream, say mean things, slam doors, and other things, but in the end we love each and despite the bad times we are in love and it's such an amazing feeling. I wish that I could describe the feeling, but I can't, it's just something that is inside me, giving me those warm and fuzzies.
I'm lucky to have found Him and I extra lucky that He kept me after finding out about all my deep rooted issues.
------------------------------------------
Okay, so this post wasn't supposed to be this gushing of emotions over Master, but hey, I started typing and it all came out. I do have another post I'm working on, so hopefully that one will get up today as well.
Rich's kari
Kari - I miss you
Rich - I miss you too
Other than Him working, we aren't apart very much, but I do miss Him. I think that's the one thing that reminds me everyday that I'm so in love with Him. I think about Him constantly, when He's home I always want to be in the same room as Him, I just can't get enough of Him. Last night we both went to bed at the same time, which is completely a new thing for us and I just laid there watching Him breathe, just seeing how peaceful He is. I get all excited when I hear His ringtone on my cell phone. I love that He calls me just to tell me He loves me. I made the comment about Him calling me just to say I love you to my mom and she was like wow, "I wish your dad did that."
What makes this all funny to me, is that even after 5 years, I know that I love Him more than the day I married Him and I continue to fall in love with Him everyday. I asked Him the other day if He believed in soul mates, of course I already knew His answer, He's not sure, which makes since in my mind since He is searching for someone to join us in our poly relationship, I believe though that He is my soul mate, He is the one that I belong with and to. The road that we have traveled since I moved here as been a long road, but it has brought so many good things.
He makes me smile when I want to yell, throw something, curse, cry, or runaway. He comforts me when I need it. He gives me space, but stays somewhat close knowing that I might need Him quickly. There are times that I have a bad night, I'm so hesitant to wake Him up, but the times that I have instead of yelling at me, He's always helped me, heck He's done sleepless nights in order to help me through something. I love when we have tickle fights, when we argue about how the pictures seem uneven, but are measured to a T, how we chase each around the house playing catch me if you can, how we sit in the living room watching tv, and how we spend time with our wonderful daughter.
Our love isn't perfect. We fight, scream, say mean things, slam doors, and other things, but in the end we love each and despite the bad times we are in love and it's such an amazing feeling. I wish that I could describe the feeling, but I can't, it's just something that is inside me, giving me those warm and fuzzies.
I'm lucky to have found Him and I extra lucky that He kept me after finding out about all my deep rooted issues.
------------------------------------------
Okay, so this post wasn't supposed to be this gushing of emotions over Master, but hey, I started typing and it all came out. I do have another post I'm working on, so hopefully that one will get up today as well.
Rich's kari
Monday, July 27, 2009
SeaWorld Pictures
I loved going to SeaWorld, I would go again tomorrow if I could, it was just so awesome. Tia asked if she had missed the pictures, so I went through my entries and I never posted them, ooppss. I didn't post them all today, because there are a bazillion, so I'm sorting through the ones I think ya'll might want to see.
I thought that the dolphin was going to touch the flag, but it didn't happen. Maybe he was having a bad jumping day.
He was just relaxing on his back, enjoying his swim!
I thought it was so cool that he had the ball on his nose and even more cool that the picture turned out wonderfully.
And to end the pictures for today, here is one of my favorites, even though the quality sucks!
Rich's kari
I thought that the dolphin was going to touch the flag, but it didn't happen. Maybe he was having a bad jumping day.
He was just relaxing on his back, enjoying his swim!
I thought it was so cool that he had the ball on his nose and even more cool that the picture turned out wonderfully.
And to end the pictures for today, here is one of my favorites, even though the quality sucks!
Rich's kari
Friday, July 24, 2009
Let's Play Pretend
Do you remember when you were a kid and you would play pretend? Maybe ya'll didn't, but I did. I would pretend I was a teacher, a doctor, a musician. My brother and I would find all kinds of pretend things to play, it kept us busy. I thought that at the age of 30, almost 31 that I would have stopped playing pretend, but I haven't.
I've been depressed lately. With my gaining weight, I don't feel attractive. I feel as if Master will replace me for some cute younger woman, I mean heck, I'm young, so He could find someone younger. Plus Master and I are women watchers. We have our own hand system for when we see a cute girl and want the other person to look, it's a pretty damn good system, but lately I'm so insecure, that every time He points out a girl, despite how yummy she looks, I just wanna cry. After talking with Brandy, I talked with Master and asked Him if He could stop looking for just awhile. I explained why and He reassured me that we have been together 5 years and He's not going to replace me. So, tonight we go to the store and I notice that He's not pointing women out, which is what I wanted, but now I feel bad, because that's something that He enjoys doing. He says not to feel bad that He's really ok with not pointing them out if it will help my self-esteem. Because of how I have been feeling about Master looking at others, I wanted to add my thoughts on swinging since a friend of mind helped me really focus on how I'm feeling about a lot of things.
Swinging. Now that’s a whole different ball game right now. Because my weight is going up and down, mostly up right now, I’m so insecure that if we went to a club for swinging, I would break down into a puddle of tears. If Rich even mentioned adding someone else to our relationship right now, I’d probably have to be admitted to the hospital, because I just can’t handle that right now. We haven’t down any swinging in quite some time. Rich does talk to some women about joining us, but it never works out, so no biggie there. I knew from day one with Rich that he wants more than one woman and I had to accept that and honestly there are times when I’m ok with it and then there are times when I’m not. Lately when we go out shopping or whatever, he looks at women, and on occasion, I like to, but lately when he’s showing me the cute ones, I just get irritated because I’m just feeling insecure and I think I need to tell him that, because until I started typing this, I wasn’t aware that I was feeling that way.
Looking at my depression, I have been depressed a lot lately. Partly because I have missed at least 4 days of my medications this week. My medications don't need to be adjusted, the cocktail I am on is fine, it would work even better if I managed to take the medication, so I will work harder on that. Being bi-polar sadly I have more downs that ups, which I wish was not true. I love the highs, I know ways to through myself into a high, which is tempting, but then I risk the chance of doing stupid things because that can happen when I'm manic. I think a lot of my depression has to do with the weather. I know a lot of people that get depressed in the winter because they can't go outside, well it's the opposite for me. When it's 112 or higher, I don't want to go outside, but sitting in the house is not helping my depression. I watch a lot of TV, so much so that I can recite some of the episodes of certain shows, like Bones, Charmed, NCIS, and a few others. I could watch the Disney channel, but I've seen a lot of those episodes too. Aggi would love to play board games, but I so hate monopoly, as I suck at the game. I think I need to color or scrapbook more. I'm in the process of decorating my office, which I am hoping will do me some good, as there is no color in here right now.
Another thing that has been on my mind is therapy. I need to go see my therapist, but there is one thing that stops me. She's Mormon. I don't feel comfortable talking to her about how my husband and I can't have intercourse and how deeply it hurts me that we can't connect that way. I can't share with her all the deep feelings, because she would look at me differently. It frustrates me, because when I go to therapy all I feel I can talk about is how I'm struggle with Aggi or how Rich and I argue over stupid stuff. I'm afraid that if I was to open up about the lifestyle part, the cops would end up getting called and Rich would be in trouble and we don't need that. I thought about looking for a therapist that isn't Mormon, but then that messes with my psychiatrist and I really don't feel like changing to another one. I'm tempted to talk to my psychiatrist next time I see him and ask him about changing to a therapist that perhaps isn't Mormon, only thing is I'm not sure that he isn't Mormon.
There are so many emotions locked inside me because I don't know who to express them to. If I express them to Master, then He worries about me more and I don't want that. I want Him to know that I can handle things on my own, but I guess sometimes I can't and instead of thinking that by talking to Him I'm being a burden I need to remind myself that He wants to help me, that He loves me so much, would do anything He could for me, so it's okay to talk to Him. When talking to Him earlier I did share how depressed I am, so He's been watching over me, asking me if I'm okay, if there is anything that He can get me or do for me. He's being really sweet, understanding, and loving and that's exactly what I need right now. I need Him to hold me close and remind me that I'm His forever and that He loves me no matter how fat I get.
On to other things, yesterday I did manage to make it out of the house and did bumper boating and that was a lot of fun. Tonight we went to Wally World, so that Aggi could buyElizabeth
I did get to look at the school supplies at Wally World and OMGolly, I was in heaven. For those who don't know I have an office supply fetish and school time is perfect for that fetish. I even get to get a new backpack this year!! I'm so freakin' excited, we are going to Staples tomorrow and I hope to find the perfect one.
Life is going to be okay, I know this, it's just gonna take me awhile to get back to being me. I will be me again soon, I know I will. I'm good at pretending I'm perfectly fine, but it's time to be real and deal with what's bothering me. Thank you Brandy so much, because your email was just the swift kick in the ass to get me going.
Rich's kari
I've been depressed lately. With my gaining weight, I don't feel attractive. I feel as if Master will replace me for some cute younger woman, I mean heck, I'm young, so He could find someone younger. Plus Master and I are women watchers. We have our own hand system for when we see a cute girl and want the other person to look, it's a pretty damn good system, but lately I'm so insecure, that every time He points out a girl, despite how yummy she looks, I just wanna cry. After talking with Brandy, I talked with Master and asked Him if He could stop looking for just awhile. I explained why and He reassured me that we have been together 5 years and He's not going to replace me. So, tonight we go to the store and I notice that He's not pointing women out, which is what I wanted, but now I feel bad, because that's something that He enjoys doing. He says not to feel bad that He's really ok with not pointing them out if it will help my self-esteem. Because of how I have been feeling about Master looking at others, I wanted to add my thoughts on swinging since a friend of mind helped me really focus on how I'm feeling about a lot of things.
Swinging. Now that’s a whole different ball game right now. Because my weight is going up and down, mostly up right now, I’m so insecure that if we went to a club for swinging, I would break down into a puddle of tears. If Rich even mentioned adding someone else to our relationship right now, I’d probably have to be admitted to the hospital, because I just can’t handle that right now. We haven’t down any swinging in quite some time. Rich does talk to some women about joining us, but it never works out, so no biggie there. I knew from day one with Rich that he wants more than one woman and I had to accept that and honestly there are times when I’m ok with it and then there are times when I’m not. Lately when we go out shopping or whatever, he looks at women, and on occasion, I like to, but lately when he’s showing me the cute ones, I just get irritated because I’m just feeling insecure and I think I need to tell him that, because until I started typing this, I wasn’t aware that I was feeling that way.
Looking at my depression, I have been depressed a lot lately. Partly because I have missed at least 4 days of my medications this week. My medications don't need to be adjusted, the cocktail I am on is fine, it would work even better if I managed to take the medication, so I will work harder on that. Being bi-polar sadly I have more downs that ups, which I wish was not true. I love the highs, I know ways to through myself into a high, which is tempting, but then I risk the chance of doing stupid things because that can happen when I'm manic. I think a lot of my depression has to do with the weather. I know a lot of people that get depressed in the winter because they can't go outside, well it's the opposite for me. When it's 112 or higher, I don't want to go outside, but sitting in the house is not helping my depression. I watch a lot of TV, so much so that I can recite some of the episodes of certain shows, like Bones, Charmed, NCIS, and a few others. I could watch the Disney channel, but I've seen a lot of those episodes too. Aggi would love to play board games, but I so hate monopoly, as I suck at the game. I think I need to color or scrapbook more. I'm in the process of decorating my office, which I am hoping will do me some good, as there is no color in here right now.
Another thing that has been on my mind is therapy. I need to go see my therapist, but there is one thing that stops me. She's Mormon. I don't feel comfortable talking to her about how my husband and I can't have intercourse and how deeply it hurts me that we can't connect that way. I can't share with her all the deep feelings, because she would look at me differently. It frustrates me, because when I go to therapy all I feel I can talk about is how I'm struggle with Aggi or how Rich and I argue over stupid stuff. I'm afraid that if I was to open up about the lifestyle part, the cops would end up getting called and Rich would be in trouble and we don't need that. I thought about looking for a therapist that isn't Mormon, but then that messes with my psychiatrist and I really don't feel like changing to another one. I'm tempted to talk to my psychiatrist next time I see him and ask him about changing to a therapist that perhaps isn't Mormon, only thing is I'm not sure that he isn't Mormon.
There are so many emotions locked inside me because I don't know who to express them to. If I express them to Master, then He worries about me more and I don't want that. I want Him to know that I can handle things on my own, but I guess sometimes I can't and instead of thinking that by talking to Him I'm being a burden I need to remind myself that He wants to help me, that He loves me so much, would do anything He could for me, so it's okay to talk to Him. When talking to Him earlier I did share how depressed I am, so He's been watching over me, asking me if I'm okay, if there is anything that He can get me or do for me. He's being really sweet, understanding, and loving and that's exactly what I need right now. I need Him to hold me close and remind me that I'm His forever and that He loves me no matter how fat I get.
On to other things, yesterday I did manage to make it out of the house and did bumper boating and that was a lot of fun. Tonight we went to Wally World, so that Aggi could buy
I did get to look at the school supplies at Wally World and OMGolly, I was in heaven. For those who don't know I have an office supply fetish and school time is perfect for that fetish. I even get to get a new backpack this year!! I'm so freakin' excited, we are going to Staples tomorrow and I hope to find the perfect one.
Life is going to be okay, I know this, it's just gonna take me awhile to get back to being me. I will be me again soon, I know I will. I'm good at pretending I'm perfectly fine, but it's time to be real and deal with what's bothering me. Thank you Brandy so much, because your email was just the swift kick in the ass to get me going.
Rich's kari
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Day 2
I didn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned, then was up several times during the night. I had a bad set of tremors and that definitely helped keep me up. At some point I ended up with cookies in the bed, about 5:30am, I woke up choking on a cookie, then I had to throw up. Ick! I have to figure out what I'm stressing about, because that's what causes me to sleep eat. The thing is, nothing is really wrong at this moment in time, but perhaps it's my brain thinking of all the stuff that is going on next week and the weeks to follow.
A few of my friends have said that summer has gone by too fast, but for me it hasn't gone fast enough. I want to be back in school, dealing with my own homework, running Aggi to all of her activities, making sure she stays up on her homework, keep up with the dishes and laundry. For me when I'm so busy, things go good for me, there is no down time where my mind can wonder into all the negative areas, I don't get hallucinations during the day, because there is no time, I'm so focused on everything else, but once night hits, the hallucinations come, BUT being that I'll be up early everyday, hopefully I'll be asleep with the hallucinations try to visit.
I took a break from writing to go get some food and now that I'm back I'm not sure what else to write, so I'll stop for tonight.
Today is day 2 of no caffeine. Yay me!
Rich's kari
A few of my friends have said that summer has gone by too fast, but for me it hasn't gone fast enough. I want to be back in school, dealing with my own homework, running Aggi to all of her activities, making sure she stays up on her homework, keep up with the dishes and laundry. For me when I'm so busy, things go good for me, there is no down time where my mind can wonder into all the negative areas, I don't get hallucinations during the day, because there is no time, I'm so focused on everything else, but once night hits, the hallucinations come, BUT being that I'll be up early everyday, hopefully I'll be asleep with the hallucinations try to visit.
I took a break from writing to go get some food and now that I'm back I'm not sure what else to write, so I'll stop for tonight.
Today is day 2 of no caffeine. Yay me!
Rich's kari
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