Edge Play Talk

Master was talking to another submissive today, He let me read the conversation, I stumbled across the word or rather initials GS going along to say that He was looking for someone who was into that, so I asked Him what that meant. He said golden showers. I said I am in to that! He said, I know that we have done it twice, but wasn't sure that you were into it still. Hell yes I am! So there was a little bit of a communication gap, but I'm excited to venture into this area of play with Master.

Before Master went to bed, I asked Him for a topic to write on for tomorrow's entry, so He said golden showers and how I felt about them. I then asked if by golden showers did He mean drinking urine as well, He said possibly, to look into all aspects and write about what I felt concerning the topics.

I remember the first time He peed on me, it was at the other house in the huge bathtub. He had me kneel I turned my face away and He peed on my back. It was warm, the smell was different, it was nice. I think of golden showers as a way of Master marking me as His, I don't think of it as humiliation as some do. It's one of those acts that makes me feel all warm in fuzzy for. I know the first time that He did it, I did want to back out, as I mentioned in the entry Piss Play,but I hate to back out of things when it is something that I have particularly asked for, that just seems stupid to me.

When I think about Him peeing on my back, I try to think about how I would feel if He peed on my face and I can't quite put an emotion on that. I'm not sure that it's something that I can ask for, I think it would be something that I would just have to have done to me, because that's what He feels like doing to me. If He were to give me the option, the part of me that wants to do everything to please, would do it anyways, but then I would worry about the true reason of did I like it or not. If I'm forced to do something, I think my mindset goes into the space of "I hate this, because He's forcing me to do it." It loses it's appeal and I lose my open-mindedness or at least that's how I look at it.

Then I started thinking about drinking pee. That's a topic that I am totally unsure about. When my ex and I were together, he liked me to pee in his mouth and that was hard for me, because I wasn't sure how I felt about the aspect of people drinking other peoples pee. The last time he and I were together, He had me pee into ice cube trays, let them freeze, and then ate them like popsicles. Hmm, not sure I could do that and I don't see pee popsicles coming out on the market anytime soon. LOL. Heck, I have a hard time swallowing cum but that's different, because I hate for cum to even touch me, but I've already shown that I can handle and love being peed on. So maybe for some completely unknown reason to me, pee doesn't freak me out as much as cum. I know a few slaves that are required to drink their Masters pee, one I know isn't too thrilled about it and I think the other never cared for it either, so what exactly is the appeal of it? Maybe someone else on my friends list does it and can share that.

Can I see myself drinking Masters pee? Not anytime soon. Not until I do more research and talk to more people who have done or still do drink pee. Master isn't going to require something of me when we are both unsure about, as He has no desire to cause me any physical harm. I'm having a hard time finding other stuff, but will keep looking.

So the jury is still out for me on drinking pee, but all the other stuff regarding golden showers, I'm game for!

Rich's kari

Fed Up & Pity Party!

I am so fed up with people telling me what to do about my weight. Yes, I know I'm overweight. Yes, I know that a lot of my medical problems are because I am overweight. I went to the doctor today, I knew he was going to bring up my weight, saying well if you want to get off the medication that's causing you 5-8 bowel movements a day, then you should lose weight. Ya know what I wanted to say? "Screw you! I will lose the weight when I am damn good and ready to!" I'm tired of skinny people, my doctors, sitting there telling me oh you should try weight watchers, curves, the biggest loser diet. First off I don't have the money to do that and second off what if that doesn't work for me.

I know that I can lose the weight, I've done it before, so I just want people to shut up about it. I look in the mirror everyday, since I'm naked when I go to bed and wake up, I see my huge tummy, I can't deny that I'm fat, but I'm not ready. I'm not sure why I'm not ready, but I'm not. With all my blood work happening and talk of diabetes it makes me think of my grandmother. Her kids were constantly telling her she needed to eat at home more, not fast food. Every morning for breakfast my grandmother had an orange, cheetos, and coffee. She was diabetic, she knew that she needed to eat healthier, one day she told me something that I never forgot, in fact she told both my cousin Kris and I. "I am only gonna live once, I will eat whatever I want." She died young, yes I know that, but she lived a healthy live. I see people eating health bars and such. I tried the Special K bars and the ones I had tasted like wax, I couldn't eat it.

Master has given me the task of keeping a food journal and I will. Now some of you might say, well wait a minute, you said you don't want people to tell you what to do about your weight. Master is different, for a couple different reasons. I'm His slave, He owns me, He lives with me, so He knows me and my eating styles, so He knows the areas in which I need help. Sadly, I am like a kid, hence why I think of Master as my Daddy as well. I'm like a kid in the sense of I need to have rules and be accountable for things. The doctor can't be at my house when I want chips and say, "Kari don't eat those." Right now, I need someone to give me that push, even though I don't want it.

I've been thinking why I don't want to lose weight and I came up with my own answer. I tend to lose weight, slack off, then gain it back, plus some, so I figure why try again, it's just gonna come back. Yes that's stinkin' thinkin', but heck, I'm being dead honest about it. I don't want to live without soda. I love soda, chips, pizza, candy, fast food, and all that bad stuff, so when I think of losing weight, exercising, and being on a diet I think of having to give all that up.

I can't! No rather, I won't. Maybe I will be able to have those things once in awhile, I don't know, because I've never been successful at losing the weight and keeping it off. Those of you out there that diet and such, are you able to have junk food once in awhile? Are you able to eat out at a fast food restaurant. I love my taco bell and the thought of not being able to have that, just makes me go nuts.

I don't drink alcohol, I would love to, but it doesn't mix well with my meds, so I know that if I drink any, that I'm gonna have some bad reactions, so why can't my head think the same thing about food? Is my brain wired wrong? Am I destined to be fat the rest of my life?

If you haven't noticed yes, I'm having a pity party and feeling sorry for myself. But this is my journal and I will whine if I want to. I know that I might get some responses of yes you can do this and that's not why I'm writing this entry, I do know that deep down I can do this, I just want to know that others have traveled down this same path and have succeeded. I want to know that it is possible to keep weight off without having to have surgery, not that I think bad of anyone who has surgery, cause my mom-in-law did, but it's not for me. I want to know that I'm not alone in this, that yes I do have other friends that are plump and struggle with the same thing.

Thanks ya'll for reading about my pity party, it will pass, probable by tomorrow, just been a long ass terrible day.

Rich's kari

Words Hurt

Today was a rough day. Yesterday morning Master had to go get His toes looked at and ended up having some in the office procedure. While we were waiting, Andrea's best friend Jenna came in. She immediatly went into the bathroom, called Andrea, and proceeded to talk to her while in the waiting room. When Master was taken to the back room, we talked about how I wanted to say hi, but that it wasn't appropriate, especially in a public place. Later in the evening at dinner I was talking to Ky and told her about seeing Jenna, not once did I say anything bad about Jenna. The whole time Andrea and I were friends, when Jenna was bad mouthed my response majority of the time was that Jenna had good intentions in everything she did, she might not have gone about it the ideal way, but she still had good intentions.

So, last night Aggi and I went to the store to buy some dishwasher detergent and while we were there, we saw a friend of mine named Daniel. He's involved with another friend name Ginger and in the middle of it all is a 3 year old boy that has never met his father. There are things that the mother has told me that would work against her and help the father with getting some sort of visitation and I was tempted to tell him, but I kept my mouth shut.

I got home, was on facebook, updating my status, I put something to the effect that I had saw someone not to long ago from my past and wanted to tell them everything that I knew, but that some things were better left unsaid. So, I wake up this afternoon and I'm blasted on facebook by Andrea with some not so nice words, that I'm choosing to keep private.

I immediately broke down into tears, it freakin' had nothing to do with her. I went into the living room crying and Aggi came over to comfort me. I called Andrea, she didn't answer her phone, but I left a message explaining who and what I meant on facebook. I also sent her a text message. She eventually came online and talked with me, saying that she found it odd that I would post that about someone other than Jenna since I had just seen Jenna that morning.

I hate when people assume! All she had to do was write, call, or text me and ask who I was talking about. She apologized for blasting me on facebook, but still people read it before I had a chance to delete it. After talking with her a few days ago, I thought that we had reached at least a little bit of resolution, but I guess I was wrong. No matter how many times she apologizes, it doesn't take away from what she said. I'm the type of person that I don't say things that I don't mean and I don't believe that people say things that they don't mean, but I'm probably wrong about that.

Part of me wants to delete my account on facebook and myspace, because it's all drama and I hate that. The thing is, I keep in contact with a lot of friends from high school on there and I don't want to lose that, so I'll probably keep the accounts. Master says I just need to remove Andrea from my friends list, but then that would show her that I want nothing to do with her, right now I feel that way, but how am I going to feel tomorrow? All of this gives me a freakin' headache!

We leave for Sea World on Saturday and I am so excited. Heck, I'm ready to go now. I was hoping that I knew someone from here or a former school mate, so I could meet someone, but I don't think that's gonna happen, which is okay. I'm ready for fireworks as well and maybe I'll get a little smoochy-smoochy from Master, as we will have Aggi with us, so there will be no hanky-panky.

I took an anxiety pill earlier this afternoon, then a nap, and I'm feeling in such better spirits now. I'm starting to get a grip on my emotions controlling me and while I wanted to cut today, I didn't, so yay me! I'm making progress, slow, but steady.

Until later....

May I Have Another Please?

I want to talk about punishment, but first in talking about punishment the first question that comes up in my mind is what kind of punishment system are you on, if one at all?

We have tried many things. I have a list of rules and they are the things that are required of me, however they haven't been updated in quite some time, because heck, I don't have the time to update them. I'll make a mental note to do that sometime soon. In the beginning, if a specific rule, it had a specific punishment. If I was up past my bedtime, the next night, I was in bed 30 minutes earlier. I wasn't allowed to few certain people's profiles and/or blogs, if I did I would lose internet privileges. But I slacked off, then Master slacked off, so we re-grouped. When we re-grouped, which is just recently, He set up a point system. For things I don't do, there is a certain number of points that I earn. Each point given means I get one swat with the belt. That works pretty good. It's my responsibility to keep track of the points as He gives them out.

Do you have a point system or way to keep track of things you are to be punished for?

Now on to the punishments.

I was reading a blog a couple days ago and it was about being punished, by having to be banished to the kitchen, with no contact with anyone. The post went on to talk about different types of punishment, the main one being no contact. There are times when I am smarting off to Master and I wish He would send me to my room without any contact because then perhaps I would calm down and then further punishment could be avoided. So being sent to my room or a corner with no speaking, would be a good preventive measure. But for Him to withhold talking or interacting with me as a punishment would probably hurt me more than it would help me. My brain would go into the oh my gosh, He wants nothing to do with me, therefore, I need to find another place to stay, I need to strike at Him with words, to hurt Him so bad, because what's the point in being respectful when He already doesn't want me. That's what would go through my head if He punished me with no contact.

I have been thinking of other punishments. Spankings. Now, some would say that for a pain slut, which is me, a spanking isn't going to work, because I like spankings and I like pain. But ya know, I have to disagree with that one. If I'm going to get a spanking as a punishment, it's only with the belt. My mindset goes to a whole different place when I know that He is using that belt for a punishment. It is no longer arousing for Him to spank me. The blow of the belt lets me know that He's not playing around and there is just a switch in me that knows I'm in trouble. There is a big difference from when we are in play mode to punishment mode. I think that there are maybe a time or two that I have had to red out during play, but I swear when He is giving me a punishment I want to red out immediately, because it hurts that bad. So for me, spanking is an effective punishment.

Writing sentences. That worked when I was in a long distance relationship. My Master at the time would give me so many sentences to write, then I had to mail them to Him, if I didn't in the time allotted then He would add more. For me that was effective at the time. It has never worked with Master Rich and I really can't explain why, perhaps it's because I don't think He expects me to actually do it, so He uses other punishments.

Corner time. That works like a charm for me. It gives me a chance to remove myself from whatever is going on and recenter myself. I close my eyes and remind myself what I was doing wrong and that I need to calm down before I really explode and need up getting my butt spanked.

The same Master that started the sentences also had me use clothespins on my tongue when I talked back. I lived about an hour away from work, so one day He had me where an old t-shirt and a clothespin for 30 minutes. Let me tell you, that was awful. I was drooling all over myself, humiliated, thinking someone in another car would see me and it did work. I made sure that I was more careful with my tongue when speaking to Him. He used this punishment frequently, because I did backtalk quite a bit, heck I still do. He also used soap. Not very often because it messes with your tummy, but the few times that He did have me do that, worked as well. He kept telling me that He knew I liked the soap, that's why I kept up with the backtalk, but let me assure you it wasn't that I like the soap, it was that I just backtalk.

Do you have a particular punishment that your Master uses most as that might be the most effective way to correct your behavior?

I'm excited to see others responses.

Rich's kari

Fears

I've been dealing with a lot of mood swings lately. A couple days ago I was happy as can be and yesterday I was laying on the bed in tears. Master was laying next to me trying to help me figure out what was wrong, I told Him that I was just depressed, but after thinking about it, I think I figured it out or at least some of it.

Obviously part of it was about the doctors appointment I had yesterday. Even though I have heard all the speeches a bazillion times, there is fear that yes I could become diabetic. I watched my Grams die from it. I watch Master deal with it everyday, having to make sure His feet are getting good circulation and all the other stuff. It's scary to think that I could be that way soon, as the doctor said probably in 5 years. 5 years might seem like a long time, but boy does it go by fast.

There is more fear though.

I wanted so much to be able to work doing phone sex, I pushed really hard to get hired, and was so excited about it. Then I got hired, took one call, failed, and now I'm scared to sign back on. But it's not just signing on that scares me. I have a 16 year old in the house, it's not easy to take call without the fear that she will wake up and discover what I'm doing. So, the whole I sit in the office logged in, I listen for her or any noise for that matter and the one time the phone rang, I panicked for several reasons. One, it was my first call, and two, what if I was too loud and she heard? So now I am ready to sign back on, in fact I did while she was gone, because there was no risk of her figuring anything out, but now that she's back from her trip, the whole fear comes back.

Another fear is creative memories. I'm a consultant, have been for 4 years. I love it. I get to scrapbook and help others perserve their memories, plus I get to interact with people and that's a very good thing for me. But the fear is what happens when I start school. I'm gonna busier than heck and I'm supposed to factor creative memories in. Where is it going to fit? Am I going to be able to keep doing events? Can we keep affording to pour money into this when I'm not making any money in return? And if I have to, how do I walk away from something that I really enjoy doing and that is good for me?

The next fear is school. Everyone who has read me for any length of time knows that I struggle in school because of my learning disability. I'm a little more confident because I did earn my Associates Degree, that was a huge step for me. But now I'm moving on to a music major that is going to occupy probably more time than I have. I have to take private lessons and that scares the shit out of me. What if the instructor says that I suck or that I will never be good enough again to be a music major? Then what do I do? I wanna teach music more than anything I have ever wanted to do for a career, but I can't help but think of what happens if that is no longer and option. The last time we were in Colorado, I brought home all of the music that I had from the time I started playing till the time I stopped and as I was looking through it all, I discovered that I was really good when I got out of high school. Looking through the music gave me the feeling that yes at one time I could do it, so could I do it again? The possibility is there, I know it is. It's just going to take a lot of work and that's scary, because the first time I went to college I was a music major, but I changed my major because I felt that I wasn't dedicated enough to music that I could practice as much as I needed to. Now I'm in the same boat. I should be practicing every day, do I though? Nope, I sure don't.

Now we can move onto the fear of money. Master tells me not to worry that He will take care of everything and we will be fine, but how can I not worry? I wish Him giving me an order to not stress would work, but alas it doesn't. I thought that doing the phone sex job would bring money in, but since it's hard to sign on for multiple reasons, I'm not making any money. At this point there is no point in finding a job outside the house because school will be starting soon, so I would have to quit and that wouldn't be good for my resume. I'll also have Aggi to worry about once school starts, as she's going to be active in school plays and choir groups, and since she can't drive, I get to play taxi. I don't really mind, because I want her to have the best high school experience that she can, but I do wish she could drive.

Driving. The car might not pass inspection in August. Ugh! That could create a bunch of problems. My parents called me a few days ago, said they were going to buy a new car and they would give us the one the have now, if we wanted it. Hell yes we want it. I asked how much they wanted for it and they said nothing, it would be a birthday and Christmas present, probably for the rest of my life and that's ok. Them giving us their car will help us so much, because we won't have to worry about what needs to be done to get the other car through inspection. Now it's just a matter of time in waiting to see when they are going to go buy their new car. My dad keeps changing his mind on when they are going to go get it, but I think it will be this weekend. We shall see though.

Vacation. One would think vacation is something that I would be looking forward to and I am, but I'm stressing about money to pay for the trip, what to pack, what we will do all the days we are gone, will we have a good time, will Master and I fight like we do sometimes on a trip, will Aggi drive Master and I absolutely crazy? See how my mind can go crazy with over analyzing things at times? It drives me crazy! Once we leave town, I will relax and get into the vacation mode. I'm excited to go to Seaworld and see all the water creatures. I love water creatures, I wish I could go swimming with them. At one point in my life I wanted to be a marine biologist so that I could go swimming with them, but that didn't happen and now I don't want to go through all the science and math classes, as both of those subjects give me a headache!

Wow! I feel lots better now that I have gotten a lot of my fears out of my system. Journaling has showed me that it's very therapeutic for me and the reason Master has me journal every day is supposed to help me and here I sometimes avoid journalling. Silly girl I am!!

Rich's kari

Play Ball!

Tonight Master and I went to a baseball team. It was a tie in the last inning, so it went into overtime, we needed three scores to win, two people on bases, and the batter it a home run! Score!! We won! It was the first Roadrunner game that I have been to. We had wonderful box section seats, the air was nice, it's not too hot here yet, and I got to spend it with Master.

It was the perfect date night. The fun thing about this week, is it's like a date week since Aggi is in Texas.

I saw my doctor today and I have gained three pounds in a month. Ugh! Along with some other reasons, he took me off of my newest med, thank goodness! I was telling him that today I feel like I'm shifting into a manic mode, he said the new med wouldn't cause that, I told him I know, I can just feel my body shifting, he told me that I seem to know my moods pretty well. I was telling Master that I should know when I'm shifting because I've been dealing with this mood disorder for 11 years. I can't lie and say that I'm not happy about the possibility of becoming manic, because hell, it would be a welcome change around here. I'm pretty good at preventing myself from getting too high in the sky!

I hung up some pictures and knick knacks around the house today. We have been in this house for almost a year, more than likely aren't moving this year, so I thought it was time to really settle into the house and make it our own. I also have done some scrap booking last night and today, it is so therapeutic.

Tomorrow Master and I are hanging out with a friend of ours and her two boys. We will be meeting her boys for the first time, I'm excited. We are going to go swimming and then back here for a bar-b-que. While the house needs to be picked up, I'm not too stressed about it being spic-n-span, because she's seen the house at it's worst or close to it.

Well, I need to go get some stuff done and try to get some sleep.

Rich's kari

I more or less fell off the face of the earth. I have a lot of blogs to repost here and I will soon, but I don't want to overload my friends page, but I will be updating this soon.

Rich's kari